Why force an impossible relationship?
Why force anything for that matter? Most people have been conditioned to believe that their intrinsic value is measured by their ability to create relationships. What does it infer? To be deemed successful, all relationships must be maintained, no matter what. Any different outcome is severely judged as a total failure. If you believe that your level of inter-personal adequacy is defined by this implicit measure, what kind of perspective do you create for your life? Do you give yourself the choice to be empowered, so you can remain in full-on control of your destiny by selecting or discarding in the moment what you know is most rewarding or counter-productive? Or do you perpetually need to assess, supervise, and control what the other party requires, so it finely fits your agenda, which is to ensure the perennity of the relation?
::: Is the choice to force anything highly destructive?
Does force, regardless of the degree with which it is used, always get you what you want? Well, aren’t you supposed to know in advance what you want your life to look like and, consequently, don’t you have to do whatever it takes to make everything happen according to plan? To achieve that, you need to allocate all your energy towards controlling all areas of our life, every single moment of the day. Now do you have the power to know what is going to happen a second from now? To answer yes is a blunt lie. If what happens a second from now does not correspond to your initial plan, you have failed miserably. So what do you choose next? Do you keep what is not functioning, or do you have the courage and the honesty to choose differently? Do you stop right away and move on, or do you need to force an outcome that is so unlikely to occur?
To force a relationship with another individual is no different. The absolute necessity to be in a relation can be so overwhelming, that it has the power to occult what the reality is. He or she does not necessarily want you. In this society, rejection is not tolerable. So most people do whatever it takes to be accepted, so they can sense that they belong. A relationship is used as a proof of acceptance. And to avoid the risk of being rejected, a common action is to make sure that the status quo is maintained at all times, which implies the necessity to divorce oneself in the relation. To divorce yourself means that you continually disregard what you know is best for you, so you settle for less to accommodate an agenda.
Do you believe that everything and everyone perpetually stay the same, anyway? A minute from now, I seriously doubt that you will be the exact same person you were sixty seconds earlier. To make sure that everything and everyone constantly remain the same does not work. It is impossible. People and things change all the time. Today, you are not who you were yesterday. You cannot duplicate identically right now what you did twenty-four hours ago. Therefore to think that you can rely on past experiences to create and generate something new right here right now cannot work. The relationships that you had last week with your spouse, children, employees, manager or relatives are not the same as the ones you are having with them at this very minute. Each person who is involved in all those equations has shifted during this short time span. Ultimately, it is up to you to assess whether their shifts fit your needs. If not, you are fully empowered to go your own way.
::: What do you intend to prove by being in a relationship?
Many individuals need to be in a relationship, so they can prove themselves that they exist and that they are loved. To dramatically increase the probability of being loved unconditionally and unfailingly, they have kids. An unspoken emotional nomenclature exists. If the relationship with the partner ceases to function properly, then it is assumed that the kids should naturally continue to love. This is a tacit conclusion that defines most relations. It means that the relationship that those parents decide to have with their children is solely based on assumptions, compilations and conclusions that are never shared with anyone who is involved in the equation. This is a highly dangerous thought process, since it does not take into account the shifts that affect at all times those who pertain to the relation. The requirement to maintain an emotional status-quo at all costs is simply unrealizable.
The choice to allow anyone to be whoever he or she desires to be can facilitate the creation of so many expansive interactions. To accept that someone may not share your viewpoints about how a relationship should look like has the real potential to create dynamics that will satisfy everybody. To deconstruct everything that you have been taught about what relationships mean allows you to see yourself and others with fresh eyes, and that is likely to feel very attractive and exciting. To wish for everything and everyone to be flawless is absolute utopia. To have children does not automatically infer that the relationship you have with one another is or has to be nurturing. To build a nice and amicable relation with someone is completely useless and a total waste of your time and energy, if the other person does not want any of it. Finally, if you have decided that your relationship with an individual should be working and it does not, you are left with no other choice but to judge yourself as the only means to justify such failure. This is extremely destructive.
At the end of the day, there are no established rules. There are only the rules that you set, because they work for you and they are inclusive of those you love. To force an outcome cannot result into anything that is sustainably positive. To be forceful does not invite people to choose freely what is best for them. It pushes away those who have a strong sense of self. And it attracts those who have absolutely no self-esteem whatsoever.