Would you rather believe in Mister Right or in Santa Claus?
No one has ever seen the real Santa Claus. Of course, around Christmas, there are as many Santa Clauses as there are shopping malls in the country. But they all are copies of the same myth. Interestingly enough, that sounds very much like Mister Right, doesn’t it? There are as many Mister Rights as there are women (and a few men too) who have the insatiable need to be in a relationship. However, the problem is that Mister Right often times turns into Mister Definitely Wrong as soon as he stops delivering what was initially expected from him.
If there is no list, Santa Claus and Mister Right never bother to show up. But even if you have written a list, both Santa Claus and Mister Right eventually bring you gifts that, sometimes, you do not want. How often have you been disappointed because either one of them had not brought what you had explicitly mentioned on your wish list? Regarding Santa Claus, there is still next Christmas to have your desires fulfilled unless you change you mind and request something else. With Mister Right, it is more difficult to manage. What to do with him? How to kick him out? How to make him understand that he has now become Mister Assuredly Wrong?
::: Reality check: does “Mister Right” really exist?
It is quite bold to affirm that you have met Mister Right. It is a decision that forces you to embrace the man for every single thing that you want to see in him, while bluntly occulting everything that you purposely refuse to see. This is the trap in which most people fall, when they are desperate to be in a relationship. They settle for much less than what they originally desired and, more importantly, they refuse to admit it. If they had the guts to recognize the man’s shortfalls from the very get-go, they would instantly realize that it is an absolute non-sense to commit to a relationship that can only produce dreadfulness, unhappiness and turmoil. Unfortunately, since such recognition clashes with their utter need to be in a relationship, they choose to blindfold themselves. Desperation pushes people to greatly diminish what they wish to have in life, so it can facilitate the creation of a situation that they crave to experience. But once they start to experience it, they quickly understand that it cannot work. It also generates a brand new challenge that most of them are unable to take on: to find a way out of the relation. A great majority of individuals never find a way out, because of a lack of courage, renouncement of self or full-on masochism. And I can ensure you that there are so many people out there who love to suffer, and for whom life can only be a succession of painful and horrendous occurrences.
What does it really mean to look for Mister Right, and can he ever be found? Initially, the search for Mister Right necessitates the elaboration of a long list of requirements that define him, so the dream of landing the perfect relationship can become a reality. The problem is that the perfect relationship does not exist, so the list is totally irrelevant from the very beginning. Therefore all the efforts that are employed to find Mister Right are absolutely vain. Now do you think that those folks who are desperate to be in a relationship choose to be aware of this fact? How often have you felt obligated to get rid off a few items on your wish list to expand the scope of your search for Mister Right? And who ended-up showing up in your life? Was it a cheaper version of what your original Mister Right was supposed to be? How long did it take him to turn into Mister Assuredly Wrong? Did his transformation surprise you? Or, to dismiss the fact that you had chosen to settle for less, did you convince yourself that his changing completely came out of left field? When you write a list of requirements that depict what your ideal partner is supposed to look like, there is one item that should always be there, at the top: to be aware at all times. When you are desperate to be in a relationship, you cannot be aware. You must conceal everything that prevents you from quickly pushing your agenda. You shoot yourself in the foot.
When you are convinced that he is indeed Mister Right, you lose all sense of reality. You give yourself no other alternative but to deliberately ignore all the red flags that he waves before you very own eyes. Since the finality is to be in a relationship, your decision to label this man as Mister Right is the position on which you elect to fall back, so you can justify your need to land the deal at all costs. It is also the justification that you use to persuade your family and friends of the appropriateness of your choice. It is a lie that you construct and that turns your relation with this man and your life into a masquerade. The unwillingness to recognize that your Mister Right is only a pale version of what you had initially envisioned Mister Right to be ultimately generates deception, sadness, and the assurance of a gloomy future ahead.
::: Is “Mister Right Now” the only viable alternative?
If Mister Right is only a mirage, is Mister Right Now an acceptable alternative? Who is he, anyway? Mister Right Now is the man who makes you happy in the moment. He is the one who forces you to be present, so you can fully enjoy who he is, without having to project yourself into the future. Isn’t it dreadful when you make plans that never work out, because your partner chooses to withdraw his commitment to your relation? With Mister Right Now, you get to fully enjoy the now, without having the urgent need to think about the future. How convenient! Now on paper it may look quite attractive, but what does it really entail? Well, are you ready to quit the relationship as soon as you know that it has reached its cap and that it represents a limitation to your thirst for personal emancipation? Are you ready to leave the relation once you realize that Mister Right Now has turned into Mister No More, even if it means that you are going to find yourself all alone? But foremost, are you truly ready to live in the present so you can be aware at all times of the changes that pertain to your life, his life and your life together?
Mister Right Now must understand what your position is in regard to the relation itself. In other words, he must comprehend that you are his Misses Right Now. If you are not on the exact same wave length, you subject yourself to enormous difficulties that will ultimately slow you down in all your endeavors. And, naturally, this absence of momentum will also affect him and create incomprehension, judgment, resentment, anger and finally a bitter end to your relation. So what it takes is the courage and the confidence to expose your views without fearing being judged. Also, remember that most people tend to automatically retaliate when they cannot put a grasp on someone else’s views. It is a defensive reaction. You cannot allow yourself to be the effect of such a reaction. If you do, you must divorce a bit of what you are to accommodate it. Only the man who is willing to understand your viewpoint can become Mister Right Now. But once again, to lie to yourself and pretend that everything is fine so you can push the relationship agenda is not an option.
In definitive, is Mister Right Now slightly more than just a friend with benefits? The name definitely carries a “disposable” connotation. But who said that his presence in your life had to be limited in time? If you decide that the relationship you are about to start is going to be short-lived anyway, you are already setting your own self and the relation up for failure. So why start it in the first place? By refraining to do so, you will save yourself much emotional distress and potentially one or two indelible scars. Mister Right Now is everything that you have ever dreamed of. He is your best friend, your favorite sex partner, and the man who is there for you, no matter what. He will even embrace your kids and treat them as if they were his own. But you must be willing to see him go, if the relation ceases to work for him. You must remain grateful for all the moments that you have spent together, instead of feeling abandoned and full of revenge. The success of all relationships lies in the right now.
As brutal and abrupt as it sounds, Santa Claus does not exist. And guess what, Mister Right does not exist either. Your best take is to meet Mister Right Now and become his Misses Right Now. The past is totally irrelevant and we do not know what the future is made of. Therefore it is ideal to live in the present with someone who functions like you. It is not easy to find, but it is definitely worth the wait and then the shot.