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Ann Arbor, Michigan (Digital Dementia News Services) - Recent studies conducted with chimpanzees, orangutans and mountain gorillas have lead to the startling discovery that easier access to firearms increases the incidence of firearm related deaths. 

“The findings were totally unexpected,” says <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />University of Michigan researcher Reginald Bowen.  “Who would have thought there would be link between the number of firearms in the community and gun-related deaths?  We’re still trying to make sense of the data.” 

The chimpanzees, humans’ closest relatives, were found to become particularly violent when given access to firearms.  By contrast, gorillas and orangutans remained mostly placid, although there was a statistically significant rise in gun related crimes even among those generally complacent species. 

National Rifle Association president, Kayne Robinson, dismissed the findings as “biased studies performed by a bunch of mealy-mouthed, granola-eating pansy waists.”  

“Those studies don’t prove a damned thing!” said Mr. Robinson.  “The behavior of armed chimpanzees, orangutans and mountain gorillas cannot be compared to that of people.  Chimps, orangutans and gorillas are nothing like people.  Of course they became more violent.  Unlike humans, they don’t have the comfort and luxury drinking beer, taking psychotropic drugs and living in a rapidly changing, highly competitive society like humans.  Besides, even if there were a link between guns and gun-related violence, which we are not prepared to admit there is, would anyone really want to give up their gun rights and then see America degenerate into the same sort of pathetic, moribund, cultural wasteland as places like England, Sweden and France where guns are harder to get?  Who in their right mind would want that?  Guns are what give Americans that sense of living on the edge!  It makes America more like those other fun places in the world such as Afghanistan, Iraq, Sudan, Nigeria and Angola where guns are plentiful … except that Americans can afford more beer and drugs and, of course, much bigger and better guns and lots more ammo!”