Male Relationships: a hard pair of nuts to crack

by Rob Peters | January 25, 2008 at 09:09 am

7372 views | 17 Recommendations | 15 comments

Another column from a formidable literary talent. It's a little Venus and Mars-ish, sure, but generalizations do make thinking easier.

There's a coffee shop around the corner from where I work that looks onto Canada Line construction. I go there every day to sit at the window and measure the progress of one of Granville Street's greatest concrete chasms.

If there's one thing I've learned from the view, it's that men love holes.

Without fail men are gathered around the perimeter in twos and threes, their faces pressed against the chain link fence, talking to one another about reinforced concrete and the politics of mass transportation.

I've been thinking about why.

I believe it's because for many men it's easier to talk about facts than feelings. Things that are physical, in the world and outside of ourselves, are therefore natural conversation topics. Over there, it's a hole, let's talk about it.

Speaking from my own experience, male relationships are a difficult pair of nuts to crack. There are all sorts of hierarchy, respect and boundary issues that complicate what really should be as simple as two guys sitting on a bench chewing gum. This is why we fish, watch sports, and gravitate to holes -- these seemingly brainless activities are great equalizers, where class, status and power relationships have no bearing.

For example, a work acquaintance recently asked me if it would be rushing our male relationship to watch hockey and drink beer together.

What he really meant was, "we're the same, you and me; let's talk about life in a setting that transcends the false hierarchy imposed by the company that feeds us."

Nary a word did he mention of his feelings -- like a conversation beside a hole, it was all code.

Because, as we all know, mannish activities that involve talking about stuff outside ourselves make talking about stuff inside ourselves redundant.

Listen to a guy talk about his hockey heroes, for example, and you'll learn a lot about his relationship with his father.

All this talking-by-not-talking might seem a little repressed, but I think a lot of guys will know what I'm talking about.

It's like in the schoolyard when we were kids. Boys ran around in roving packs, digging in the sand, wrestling in the mud, smoking each other in the face with dodgeballs.

I don't remember what the girls were doing, but I'm pretty sure they weren't beating the crap out of each other in the same way. Their beat-downs were more of a verbal flogging, and praise went much the same way.

In any case, at least they were talking to each other. You can see why the need to talk about inanimate objects never really developed.

To relate like men you've got to think like the Canada Line construction enthusiasts I watch every day: Over there, it's a hole, let's talk about it.

Rob Peters

0 See all footage | View Slideshow

Share: email story | add to any | | facebook | stumbleupon

recommend This comment thread is now closed

Jordan Yerman

flagged this story as Good Stuff

at 09:14 on January 25th, 2008

This is more than just a great headline; the writing backs it up. Nice work, Mister Peters.

Barry Artiste

flagged this story as Good Stuff

at 12:01 on January 25th, 2008

Excellent story Rob, men will be men, and boys will be boys and yet no one can tell them apart when a excavation is in progress or a big enginey thing that makes noise, is big and colourful, what is even more impressive if there is a man driving it. Perhaps men gathering together to witness an minor event is just the equivalent of women getting together to go shoe shopping. That's my take on it anyways.

chung sungwoo

flagged this story as Good Stuff

at 12:51 on January 25th, 2008

Rob Peters, I like this story. It's good stuff.

Perpetually

at 14:13 on January 25th, 2008

Istanbul, Turkey. A male touches the leg of another man while sitting along the water. This subtle movement is rather not "homosexual" act but rather one of the subtle differences in male relationships in other cultures.

Perpetually has contributed a photo to this story.

scottkinmartin34

at 14:38 on January 25th, 2008

Great job.

scottkinmartin34 has contributed a photo to this story.

ThreeLeaf.com

at 15:43 on January 25th, 2008

Hugs communicate acceptance and friendship. In the gay community, especially in "safe" environments like Pride, men are often more willing to ignore social taboos placed by many western cultures on this form of physical contact between each other.

ThreeLeaf.com has contributed a photo to this story.

Waders

at 18:11 on January 25th, 2008

These boys were so funny. They soooo wanted to win something. They first wanted to try for "Gay Cowboy" but i said they needed to make out to prove it. They then moved on to try for a few others. They said they were 18 when asked. I then told them they could qualify for "Happy Kids" but had to be under 18. They quickly confessed to being 15, lol. Then they showed up with a broken condom and that was that. (Incidently the kid on the left forgot his backpack with us and had been searching all day to figure out where he left it. I brought it out to him and he was nearly crying and gave me a big hug). LOL, i love seeing the soft side of the tough little kids. Besides, it was where he kept his stash of condoms, no wonder he was sad to have lost it. LOL

Waders has contributed a photo to this story.

plm

at 02:41 on January 26th, 2008

once upon a time, there was a party...( :

plm has contributed a photo to this story.

asteri design

at 03:13 on January 26th, 2008

This is a photo and my dear friend Mirko & I. We've known each other for about 8 years and even though we've lived in a different country for most of these years, we've been keeping in touch and when we do meet it's like we only met a few days ago, it's great! I don't know if it's because we're both gay but we talk openly about everything, including intimate stuff, and I feel close to him, closer than I would be to my own brother. And we have such fun together too! I feel he understand me and I know he's always there for me, the way I'm always there for him :-)

asteri design has contributed a photo to this story.

averages

at 11:16 on January 26th, 2008

'Twas a standing-room-only showcase of groups in Seoul's A Cappella Bar that night. After having left my seat to take a few test shots of the dimly-lit space, I returned to find it taken, so stood around awkwardly in between a few people and the audio, video and lighting systems crammed into that corner. A moment later, someone taps me on my arm and pulls up a bar stool for me. We enjoy the music and chat in between sets. I discover our common love for making music a cappella and that he has to complete national service like I have. He's young enough to be my son but strikes a maturity and confidence beyond his years. We parted happily and simply that night but that same weekend, he just strode right up to me while I was taking photographs on the final night of the Korea A Cappella Festival at Funky House. Can you imagine how happy I was?

Dong-Yeol, you're the first Korean I came across who initiated an act of generosity ... several more have crossed my path since ... and I am moved by your sincerity. Thank you.

averages has contributed a photo to this story.

gmmotorcyclist

at 13:55 on January 26th, 2008

I met him in person for the first time at Toronto Pride in June 2006. We had met on-line starting in February 2006. After Pride 2006, our long-distance relationship revolved around brief weekend visits; me driving my motorcycle to Toronto, or he flying to Washington, DC.; daily e-mails; love cards via post and animated Power Point presentations I crafted; web cam action; and lots of telephone calls. I quit my job and fled the increasingly-biggoted-unfriendly-religious-right of the U.S.A for gay-friendly Canada in time for Toronto Pride in June 2007. I filed for permanent resident status in Canada in December 2007. Wish us luck! The photo (I am on the left) was taken in New York's Central Park during one of our meetings-this one in NYC during Thanksgiving 2006. Fortunately, we both came from failed relationships that ended in part because of lack of communication. Now, we insist and force each other to talk things out - it is work and scary sometimes, but we do it because we know if we don't we will fail in the relationship. Note how the word relationship comes from the word relate. How are we going to relate and understand without communication? It is not possible.

gmmotorcyclist has contributed a photo to this story.