My Best Friend's a Swinger - Will She Burn in Hell?

The Question

I don't know who to talk to about this b/c I am truly embarrassed for my
friends.

I JUST found out yesterday... actually the day before that, that my dear
close friends (two different couples) have been "swinging"... it's more like
three of them I believe, but who knows what goes on behind closed doors. Both of
these couples are young engaged couples with very bright futures ahead of them.

I cherish my friendship with my handful of girlfriends, and think of them as
precious people. When I heard this was going on, and that I was pretty much the
only one who didn't know about it... I was devastated, I was disgusted, and
began to cry.

This happens ONLY when they are drunk... but it has happened A LOT. My
husband and I are newly married, and we all hang out and party together.

I am so upset about all of this that I decided not to go to their co-ed
bachlorette party in Vegas this wknd. I am still going to be in their wedding,
but I feel in my heart that I can NOT be friends with either couple anymore. I
don't even want to support this marriage/union. I would feel so sick to my
stomach... I really don't have a REAL reason... it's just not who I am, how I
was raised, or where I come from.

Is it wrong for me to "ditch" my close girlfriends b/c of this?

The Answer

Whew... This is a very emotional topic because your underlying beliefs are
being questioned. On the bright side, these types of situations really help
us grow.

Our mission for this blog is to help everyone learn to come from a place of
love and acceptance in all of their relationships. We do not
judge you for your beliefs or actions nor do we believe that you should judge
your friends for their beliefs or actions. We feel there is no 'right' or
'wrong' (Yes, we know that many will disagree with us on this...). Each of us
has our own 'perception' of what is right and what is wrong. That perception is
different for everyone and will very likely change over the years. There are
groups of people with similar perceptions and beliefs - i.e. the various major
religious and political organizations.

Swinging is simply another belief system...

There are some very good relationship ideas that we can all take from the
swinging lifestyle. Swingers believe that their partners have enough love to go
around and that it's OK to share one another sexually. They do not confuse love
with lust as many couples do. They understand that it's perfectly natural for
their partner to be physically attracted, and maybe even want to have sex, with
someone else. It does not in any way threaten their relationship or love for one
another.

That said, both partners in a swinging couple must have complete trust for
one another and both must want this type of lifestyle or it simply won't last.
It's definitely not a lifestyle for everyone... but it is a new adventure that
can actually bring a couple much closer together.

Talk to your friends, without judgment...

Maybe there's a reason that they didn't tell you. Perhaps they were afraid
that they would lose your friendship?

If you believe that all relationships must be totally monogamous, that is
perfectly OK. What we would suggest is that you be open minded enough with your
friends to talk to them about their choice in a non-judgmental way. Not to fix
the error of their ways, but to share your feelings with them and see how you
can move forward and remain friends. Maybe it's a don't ask don't tell kind of
friendship - If we really knew what all of our friends and neighbors do behind
closed doors, we probably wouldn't be able to look any of them in the eyes
:-).

Remember that you can't change people, and trying to change them is a sure
way to push them away. If you want to remain friends, you'll need to love and
accept them for who they are and where they are in their lives.

While this is entirely your decision (we can't make it for you...), do you
really want to lose your friends because of their sexual preferences?

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