My Ribbed, Lubricated Entry into the Presidential Race [Commentary by faktorial.com]
You might be wondering what qualifies me to be your Fuhrer. Exhibit A: George W. Bush. He’s dumber than calamari. I can’t even look at him anymore, without imagining him dipped in buttermilk and cornmeal. This is not a tough act to follow. It’s a miracle I don’t have visions of walking through walls, bending space and time, or liberating the demoralized muskrat on top of Donald Trump.
Fortunately, I have so many brilliant ideas that I have to split my platform into two faktorials. Today, my domestic manifesto:
1. Illegal Immigration
Holy sh*t – you mean some dude just crawled from Mexico for 5 hours, under barbed wire, to pick my oranges!!! How freaking awesome is that?!? I love Tropicana! I don’t know anyone else clamoring to pick those oranges, do you? I won’t even get up to find the remote control. I’ll sit through hours of incredibly gay programming on Bravo, until I have to pee. Even then, I spend a minute pondering the physics of using that empty Snapple bottle that seems almost within range...almost.
Verdict: I love immigrants! The more illegal, the less I have to tip them! My plan is to educate them, groom them, and teach them calculus until they can invent a remote that lovingly jumps into my arms and allows me to reduce my gay programming intake, at least until the batteries die. Miguel? Miguel!! Donde estan los Alkalines?
2. Healthcare Reform
Yeah, I saw Sicko. I understand the problem. How can the fattest filmmaker in America be the face of healthcare reform? It’s clear I have to do something. If for no other reason, than because I’m marginally less bloated. (Mike – have you considered a fruit? Any will do. A grape? Try it without the butter.)
My plan to reform healthcare is two pronged. Literally. I will make 4-pronged forks illegal. My research tells me that two-pronged forks will increase food-fork slippage by 40%. If my math is right, more food on the floor = less food in your big fat, wretched gullet!
My other solution? Eliminate doctors! It seems their greed is causing the price of healthcare to spiral out of control. Those poor HMO’s have to spend precious resources riding these lethargic “caregivers”. I say if you can’t get from A) Naked Patient to B) Washing Your Index Finger, in less than 4 minutes, you’re no Jenna Jameson, Doc.
Under my administration, you’ll be able to go straight into Cigna’s headquarters and have one of their secretaries cup your genitals and have you cough. It will be considerably cheaper. The best part is that the secretary can then immediately process your claim – no extra administration! No doctors! No hernia!! Probably.
3. Energy Independence
Are you tired of killing Arabs in the hopes of saving at the pump? I know I am. I thought for sure that last Texaco manager would shoot back. My solution? It’s the dirty word no politician wants to use. No, not Motherf^%&er. Conservation. It’s time everyone used smaller cars. Unless you have a lumberyard or a platinum rap album, there’s no reason for you to drive an Escalade. I propose government investment in wind-powered, “sail-cars”. You might get home, or you might drift towards the Panama Canal. Either way, America wins.
Also, instead of unnecessary leisure travel, I propose tapping into the most plentiful resource on Earth - Japanese vacation photos. By partnering with Japan and Google Maps, we can superimpose your fat family on top of a much smaller, trimmer Japanese one and voila! Instant vacation, without the waste.
4. Government Reform
I’m tired of corporate interests subverting our democracy with their bribes, lobbyists, and loose-lipped D.C. hookers. We need to give control back to the people. The little people. I mean that literally. After watching ‘Little People, Big World’ on TLC, I realized that the only noble people left on Earth are dwarves (and probably elves and trolls, but they don’t have a show yet.). I propose an entire government of legislators no taller than 4 foot 11 inches. Not only will they lead justly, but they’re cheaper to maintain and you can send fourth graders to kick their asses if they screw up.
Coming soon: ‘Part 2 - Jews for Jihad' How my presidency can stop terrorism, nuclear proliferation, and Al Gore. You’ll never look at a warhead the same way again.
--> By Faktorial.com – where elves and trolls turn for political empowerment.