Pfizer Moves to Shore Up Limp Viagra Sales

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Pfizer Moves to Shore Up Limp Viagra Sales

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(Digital Dementia Business Wire)  In an effort to reverse slumping sales of Viagra, Pfizer Corp. has begun seeking new means of marketing its chief impotency medication. 

"It does seem ironic that Viagra sales should have suddenly become so flaccid,” remarked a Pfizer marketing executive.  “We believe the problem stems in part from very stiff competition from rival pharmaceutical companies.” 

Inside sources told reporters that among the most promising options for Pfizer include joint marketing arrangements such as those currently under negotiation with soft drink companies, PepsiCo and Cadbury Schweppes.  Although unconfirmed, Pfizer and PepsiCo appear to be near a deal under which Mountain Dew would be marketed in two versions, the traditional Mountain Dew formula and a new Viagra fortified version that would be marketed under the name, “Mount ‘N’ Do.” 

Cadbury Schweppes, the candy and bottled drink conglomerate that not so long ago acquired Dr. Pepper, apparently also sees golden opportunities in the potential alliance with Pfizer.  A Viagra enhanced formula for Dr. Pepper is being test marketed in retirement communities across Florida.  Known as “Dr. Pecker”, the soft drink is said to be very popular in the retirement homes where it has been tested even though “it tastes like carbonated Worcestershire sauce” according to one senior citizen who preferred not to be identified.    

Pfizer has enjoyed limited success in combining Viagra with other products including Rogaine, the hair restoration and growth stimulant.  “It’s too early to say whether we have a winning combination here” says Viagra marketing vice president, Stan Dupp.  “We have high hopes for the Rogaine/Viagra combination and have recently signed Don King to assist us in promoting the product.” 

The Pfizer share price has languished for the last three quarters because of a combination of problems including the flagging Viagra sales and the lackluster performance of Pfizer’s newest penile enlargement medication “T-Rex”.  The company insists that T-Rex does what it is intended to do “when taken as directed”, but critics point out that the drug’s main problem is that it works all too well. 

“It doesn’t really do you much good if the medication enlarges your tally-whacker to such an extent that when you become aroused you invariably pass out as a result of the massive diversion of blood flow away from the brain and other vital organs. 

The Food & Drug Administration is looking into complaints that 4 men have died from cerebral hypoxia in the last six months shortly after taking T-Rex pills. 

All four men reportedly had to be buried in special coffins with modified lids to accommodate their anomalous condition.  Surviving family members are said to be planning to initiate legal actions after the laughter dies down.