Priests with Knockers: An Idea Whose Time Has Come?

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Priests with Knockers: An Idea Whose Time Has Come?

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LOS ANGELES (Digital Dementia News Services) – Associated Press)  A Catholic church located in Brentwood has broken ranks with the Vatican and ordained five women priests.  

Father Ida Humpter, pastor of St. Arnie’s Catholic Church told reporters, “I think ‘priests-with-knockers’ is an idea whose time has come.”  

Father Ida Humpter is said to be under threat of ex-communication by the Vatican as a result of his devil-may-care approach to the liturgy and sacred church doctrine.  Although the Vatican acknowledges that Father Ida is being investigated and under consideration for disciplinary measures, spokesmen for the Pope insist the investigation was sparked by allegations of poor dental hygiene rather than on the California priest’s nonconformist ways. 

“It’s time the church face up to this terrible shortage of priests.” says Rev. Humpter.  “It is unfathomable that on the one hand, between a lack of output from the seminaries and arrests for pedophilia we just don’t have enough priests to go around.  On the other hand, we have all these women, some of them with fabulous jugs I might add, who would like to become members of the clergy.  Clearly there is an opportunity here.”  

Critics complain that Father Ida has gone too far with his program.  “Women priests are OK with me,” says Gabriela Soares, a member of St. Arnie’s Catholic Church.  “I just don’t understand the need for the tight-fitting halter-tops and the ultra-low slung, tight-fitting spandex pants.  What’s that all about?”

Father Humpter answers those who criticize his tolerance for sexuality in the church by pointing out that “… many of the problems we face in the church today result from the refusal to acknowledge and deal with human sexuality.  All this ‘more-chaste-than-thou’ hooey is creating all kinds of trouble for us.  After all is said and done, chastity is surely the most unnatural of all human sexual perversions.”  

Reverend Hornibastard, founder and pastor of Houston’s renegade church, Our Lady of Perpetual Lust, applauds the move by Father Ida.  “Reverend Ida Humpter has come up with a great strategy that addresses two problems in one fell swoop … more priests available and a good draw for increased church attendance … brilliant!” 

Reverend Hornibastard’s house of worship has long drawn huge crowds to its unique, clothing-optional chapel, sauna and disco located in the midst of Houston’s adult entertainment district.  

Our Lady of Perpetual Lust is the only religious group in America known to consider lap-dancing as a religious sacrament.