RUSTY DEMS RELY ON SECRET WEAPON

Jan 10 - WASHINGTON, DC - The Democrats vowed to pass much of the agenda that got them elected in the ‘first 100 legislative hours’ of Congress and it’s a steady dose of crank, crystal meth and ecstasy that just may let them do it.

“When you're in control, the first 100 hours is vital to make a statement to the American public," says House Minority Whip Roy Blunt. "And, frankly, I don’t know how we could even get through the first 10 hours without the Shabu. It’s been a long time since we had to run the show, and right now we just don’t have the stamina to do it...sober, anyway.”

Democrats thank Bart Gordon, Congressman of Tennessee (the nation’s unofficial meth capitol), for “supplying the ice”. Scratching at his skin to remove the imaginary bugs, Representative Blunt recalls, “Old Gordo really came through on this one. It was touch and go there for a little while... but when he walked onto the floor with that shit-eating grin, we know he had the goods.”

The Democrats' "first 100 legislative hours" agenda includes measures to bolster national security, increase the minimum wage and cut the interest rate on student loans. Since dabbling in methamphetamines, the Democrats have also added to their agenda loosened drug penalties and legislation mandating all street lamps be replaced with backlights.

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