Madden Survives Another Season

Clydsdales pulling trains, dancing lizards, killer pigeons, and a
Giants victory, the Super Bowl was packed with great commercials and
down to the wire excitement. But after yesterday’s game, nothing made
me happier then to know that John Madden survived another football
season.

John Madden is seventy-two years old and must weigh close to
four-hundred pounds. And at the start to every season, I think to
myself this is going to be it. This is going to be the year where
Madden has a coronary and drops dead right in the middle of the
broadcast.

And I don’t want to see that happen. I like Madden. He’s the only
sports announcer I know who can segway from a conversation about Brian
Urlacher and the Bears into a detailed explanation of why Chicago has
the best deep dish pizza.

Now, I’m not a doctor but I have to imagine at that weight and age, he’s got to have some serious health problems.

Isn’t there something Nutrisystem can do for him? They managed to
get Chris Carter, Dan Marino, and Coach Shulla to shed the pounds, I
don’t know why they can’t just send Madden a couple of meals.

Fuck, if I had his address I’d send them to him myself just so I
don’t have to spend the entire next season holding my breath, praying
that Madden survives.