NFL Power Rankings – Week 5

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1. New York Giants (4-0)

The Giants slaughtered the KC Chiefs to remain top dog so far this NFL betting season, and next week they get the Raiders. If this were the BCS Rankings, the Giants would get the same consideration as the freaking Utah Utes given their strength of schedule.

Interesting factoid: Steve Smith of the Giants leads the NFL with 34 receptions, 411 yards and 4 touchdowns. Steve Smith of the Panthers has 15 catches for 190 yards and 0 scores.

Interesting factoid #2: Steve Smith of the Giants was the number two receiver behind Dwayne Jarrett, receiving passes from Matt Leinart and running in an offense with Reggie Bush while at USC. Tell me you thought Smith was the cream out of that crop? Go ahead. Say it with a straight face!

Next Game: Oakland vs. NYG (-15)

2. Minnesota Vikings (4-0)

Man, if I had known that Jaws and Gruden would be swooning over Brett Favre for four straight hours during Monday Night Football, as the Vikings beat the Packers 30-23, then I would’ve actually preferred Madden waxing poetic about Favre becoming the first quarterback in history to beat all 32 teams in the NFL.

Jared Allen is awesome. With 4.5 sacks, 7 total tackles and a safety, he led the Vikings defense to demoralize the Packers offense. Plus, he was also pretty awesome in that movie “Con Air”. Wait, that wasn’t him? No way…I don’t believe you.

Next Game: Minnesota (-10) vs. St. Louis

3. Indianapolis Colts (3-1)

Peyton Manning connected on 31-of-41 passes for 353 yards and two touchdowns. He also connected with seven different targets on Sunday to lead the Colts over the Seahawks. Of course they haven’t beaten anyone of playoff value yet, and won’t until Week 10 when they get Brady on Sunday Night.

Next Game: Indianapolis (-3) vs. Tennessee

4. New Orleans Saints (4-0)

Drew Brees is the perfect reason why you don’t draft a quarterback first overall in fantasy. He hasn’t reached the endzone in two straight weeks, but hasn’t had to either. The defense was huge against rookie Dirty Sanchez, scoring twice in the second quarter to put the Saints undefeated against the line and straight up.

Next Game: BYE

5. New England Patriots (3-1)

They’re winning ugly, but they’re still winning. I’m telling you right now that Brady may not look like the league’s best, but he sure as hell will be close when the playoffs come around.

Next Game: New England (-3.5) vs. Denver

6. Baltimore Ravens (3-1)

Is it just me, or do the Ravens seem to turn to Mark Clayton every time they need to beat the Patriots in the dying seconds of a game? Just stop already. This team is scary, balanced and focused on winning. Oh, and by the way, Ray Lewis had 14 tackles on Sunday against New England. Whoever said he might be done two years ago is surely eating their words right now. Mmmmmm…words.

Next Game: Cincinnati vs. Baltimore (-9)

7. Denver Broncos (4-0)

The good part for Denver’s betting fans is that the oddsmakers will never be able to cheat the line with Kyle Orton at quarterback. The bad part for Denver is that Kyle Orton is their quarterback. Hard to argue with results though, especially when they sent the Dallas Cowboys packing in a tremendous second-half by the defense. Crazy to think, but the Broncos are first in defense in the entire league with just 6.5 points against and 239.8 yards allowed per.

Next Game: New England (-3.5) vs. Denver

8. San Francisco 49ers (3-1)

The Niners continue to dominate the NFC West after murdering Kyle Boller and the St. Louis Rams 35-0. The defense accounted for three scores, which I was sourly reminded of because my opponent in fantasy started the Niners defense (which led all fantasy players this week with three touchdowns, zero points against and a billion sacks).

Turns out they don’t need Michael Crabtree after all! Wait, they reopened negotiations with him? Damnit! Why can’t I stay current? Next thing I’m going to hear is that Hammer Pants went out of style.

Next Game: Atlanta vs. San Francisco (-2.5)

9. New York Jets (3-1)

Dirty Sanchez got abused like a rented mule, and yet I’m still not worried about this team. The defense was stout enough to hold New Orleans’ powerful offense to just one rushing touchdown, and Darrelle Revis reduced Marques Colston to a non-factor on Sunday. Someone should probably remind Thomas Jones that he gets his $3 million bonus in March…

Next Game: NYJ (-1) vs. Miami

10. Cincinnati Bengals (3-1)

I don’t want to believe it but they’re forcing me to. The Bengals are actually good again. Wake me up when Baltimore has buried this team and this nightmare comes to an end. Life was so much more stable for me when Marvin Lewis coached bad teams. Now I don’t know what to think.

Next Game: Cincinnati vs. Baltimore (-9)

11. Chicago Bears (3-1)

Jay Cutler did an impression of Elway that made me want to puke. There’s something about this Bears team that I don’t trust. Maybe it’s the fact that they managed just 14 first-downs against Detroit, or that they only amassed 125-yards passing on Sunday. Something about this doesn’t make sense. Then again, wins over Detroit always seem to defy logic.

Next Game: BYE

12. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-2)

At least their NFL opponents know that without Troy Polamalu, you can suck for three straight quarters and the Steelers will still let you in the game. Pittsburgh continues to murder their betting investors, which is why they can’t be ranked higher. The reason they aren’t ranked lower is only because Big Ben joined DX on Monday Night Raw. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Or is it just TOTALLY AWESOME?

Next Game: Pittsburgh (-11) vs. Detroit

13. Philadelphia Eagles (2-1)

The Eagles were victimized in the rankings because a bunch of solid teams in the NFL made cases to move up. Now with McNabb coming back, we will get to see Week 11’s winning streak over Donavan McNabb’s health remain intact.

Next Game: Tampa Bay vs. Philadelphia (-13.5)

14. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2)

Anyone else find it weird that the two best producers in Jacksonville have hyphenated last names (Jones-Drew and Sims-Walker). If they had drafted Darrius Heyward-Bey, they would’ve been unstoppable!

Next Game: Jacksonville vs. Seattle

15. Atlanta Falcons (2-1)

Matt Ryan has had a bye week to soak in the fact that Tom Brady is waaaaay better than him. If he proves that he’s no better than Shaun Hill, then the Falcons are in deep trouble.

Next Game: Atlanta vs. San Francisco (-2.5)

16. Houston Texans (2-2)

Sorry, you don’t get a bump because you beat up on the Raiders. Their defense had spread their legs for a month, allowing 205-yards a game on the ground, and was able to hold Oakland to just 45-yards. How much you want to bet that has more to do with Oakland, and less to do with Houston?

Next Game: BYE

17. San Diego Chargers (2-2)

The Chargers were led on a fourth-quarter flurry by Philip Rivers, but were held in check by the Pittsburgh Steelers. All of you who bought in to the hype surrounding LaDanian Tomlinson’s return should feel dumb. I know I sure do.

Next Game: BYE

18. Green Bay Packers (2-2)

I can’t tell if the face that Aaron Rodgers makes during a football game reminds me more of a rapist, pedophile or serial killer. Either way, he’s the least convincing leader of any team when he’s got his back against the ropes, which is weird because if I somehow wandered in to a back alley late at night and I saw Rodgers with that face, I’d be scared out of my mind.

Next Game: BYE

19. Dallas Cowboys (2-2)

Think they miss Terrell Owens yet? He may be a problem because of all the attention the media gives him, but Williams has just 11 catches for 214-yards and 1 touchdown this year. He’s more forgettable than Tim Dwight. Ok, that’s an insult to Tim Dwight.

Next Game: Dallas (-9) vs. Kansas City

20. Washington Redskins (2-2)

Outside of Cleveland, they’re the worst bet in football. How Jason Campbell was let off the hook after five turnovers is beyond even Vulcan logic. If you’re going to bet on Washington, it better be on the Capitals because you won’t see any returns from these Skins.

Next Game: Washington vs. Carolina (-4.5)

21. Miami Dolphins (1-3)

A great drinking game this coming weekend when the Jets plays Miami on Monday Night, is to take a shot every time the booth guys say “Wildcat”. You’ll be drunk before the game starts, and happily asleep by 9pm EST.

Next Game: NYJ (-1) vs. Miami

22. Arizona Cardinals (1-2)

For those of you that aren’t keeping track at home, the calculations that determined the Matt Leinart Countdown include a complicated logarithm that calculates the relationship between the Cardinals’ losing record, and Kurt Warner’s age.

23. Tennessee Titans (0-4)

Ok, that’s it. I’m through defending these guys.

24. Detroit Lions (1-3 SU/ATS)

Nobody has any idea how bad Matthew Stafford’s knee injury really is, but when you couple the words “kneecap”, “popped” and “out”, it’s never a good thing.

Next Game: Pittsburgh (-11) vs. Detroit

25. Buffalo Bills (1-3)

If you think that Terrell Owens is the problem in Buffalo, then you haven’t been watching Trent Edwards closely enough.

Next Game: Cleveland vs. Buffalo (-4)

26. Seattle Seahawks (1-3)

It must be tough for Seneca Wallace. For the past seven-years he’s sat happily on the bench, collecting a massive pay check to do nothing while everyone thought he was good. Now we know that he sucks. Seneca, welcome to the Jim Sorgi Experience.

Next Game: Jacksonville vs. Seattle

27. Carolina Panthers (0-3)

I hear the Panthers hired a hypnotist during the BYE week to convince Jake Delhomme that it was 2003. Then he checked his bank account and saw the $20 million guaranteed this summer and fainted while crying hysterically, “Where’d all this darn money come from?!”

Next Game: Washington vs. Carolina (-4.5)

28. Oakland Raiders (1-3)

It’s gotten so bad on their side of the bay that it’s not even enjoyable to poke fun at their fans anymore.

Next Game: Oakland vs. NYG (-15)

29. Cleveland Browns (0-4)

My favorite part about Ochocinco wanting to jump in to the crowd in Cleveland, was that they looked they wanted to devour his soul with their rotting teeth. The Browns hate the Bengals so much that fans are willing to murder visiting players. That’s great stuff. But seriously, it might be time that the fans stop following Braylon Edwards’ lead.

Next Game: Cleveland vs. Buffalo (-4)

30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-4)

How in the hell do you force the quarterback to give the ball away five times and still lose the game? I bet Gruden is dying for a chance to tell everyone, “See? It wasn’t my fault!”

Next Game: Tampa Bay vs. Philadelphia (-13.5)

31. Kansa City Chiefs (0-4)

They’re the only team to lose to every opponent and every oddsmaker. And still, I think they’re a bit better than the Rams.

Next Game: Dallas (-9) vs. Kansas City

32. St. Louis Rams (0-4)

Seriously? You’re not even considering trading Steven Jackson? At all? That’s just mean. When he finally snaps in Week 7 and is caught on film gunning down the entire franchise, the Rams will only have their selves to blame.

Next Game: Minnesota (-10) vs. St. Louis