Squirrels: The New Underclass

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Squirrels: The New Underclass

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Chicago (Digital Dementia News Services) - A new breed of alienated, disenfranchised and potentially dangerous inner city denizens stalks the streets of American cities. Sciurus Carolinensis, commonly known as the ground squirrel, has long been found in most American cities. Alarmingly, these furry little creatures have increasingly become involved in crime or have themselves become the victims of crime and the neighborhoods in which they live have fallen into a steep, seemingly irreversible decline.

Officials are at a loss to explain the sudden downturn in squirrel society. Some say the decline is principally a factor of economics. Nearly 45% of squirrels are unemployed as compared to 4.6% for the general population and 3.2% among suburban non-squirrels.

The truth may lie in a combination of factors all of which have combined with devastating effect on the squirrel community.

Nearly 60% of all inner city squirrels grew up in a single parent household, more often than not headed by a female who, despite her unwed status, continued to churn out babies in order to collect food stamps. Sadly, 63% of all squirrel births in 2005 were to unwed squirrel mothers.

The high school drop out rate for inner city squirrels is a startling 72% as compared to 21% for suburban squirrels and 16% for non-squirrels. Police officials in Chicago say that 19% of all male squirrels in certain inner city neighborhoods will have been arrested at least once by the time they reach their 18th birthday.

Squirrel gangs are increasingly common and clashes between them have become a nightly occurrence in some neighborhoods.

“We can’t even sit outside on the porch anymore” says one south side resident. “I’m afraid to let my children play in the front yard after sunset what with all the squirrel gangs and their drive-by shootings. The house three doors down from mine is turned into a crack house and is run by three huge squirrels with the nastiest tattoos you ever saw. I wish we could move away from this place.”

Alcohol and drub abuse are also increasingly common in many alienated inner city squirrel communities. While church leaders have worked hard to turn this trend around and are receiving government funds for their community outreach programs, the benefit has yet to materialize.

Republicans say that failed social policies and decades of living off the government tit have fostered a culture of dependency among squirrels. “You think you’re doing them a favor by offering them peanuts in the park, but you’re just contributing to the unraveling of squirrel self-esteem and destroying their initiative.” says Republican Congressman Philip Crane.