Attorney General Holder orders America to turn itself in
Washington, DC -- The Obama Administration’s top lawman has officially arrested the entire population of the United States.
In an unprecedented Justice Department directive, Attorney General Eric Holder outlined a plan to imprison every American citizen above the age of 18.
“We have video recorders, traffic cameras, tweets, Bloomberg boxes, Facebook pages and Stop-and-Frisk reports covering our nation from one end zone to the other,” Holder declared in a hastily called news conference.
“And we don’t like what we see. Cheating. Tax evasion. Dope smoking. Double parking. Gun-running. Dissing your government. So you can all consider yourselves under arrest.”
The directive calls for imprisoning citizens in two shifts. Half the nation would be deputized to arrest the remaining 50% of America for a 30 day sentence. At the end of the month, those who were jailed would be deputized to bring in the remaining alleged criminals, who would then serve a 30 day sentence of their own.
Asked how the plan would affect the nation’s fragile economic recovery, Holder replied: “America is too big to fail, but just right to jail.”
He went on to explain that the nation’s emigrant workforce would pick up the slack and keep things running. “These are the people who do the real work anyway,” the Attorney General said.
Citizens who are deputized will receive an apprehension kit containing a pair of binoculars, handcuffs and a can of pepper spray. A heavily illustrated users guide will provide detailed instruction under the banner: “If you see something, spray something.”
Both houses of Congress overwhelmingly expressed their support of the directive. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) rejoiced that “with the majority of Americans in jail, we can go hog wild with spending without anybody nitpicking our every move.”
House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) was also elated. “We’ll be able to start some more wars and plant the seeds of democracy in every corner of the world. That reminds me, I have to go water my tomatoes.”
Of course, America will be read its rights before it is arrested. But that should take little time, since the list has shrunk considerably in recent years.