Bloomberg Cancels the Thanksgiving Day Parade

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New York - Mayor Michael Bloomberg has called off the Thanksgiving Day Parade, charging that the event is a public health and safety hazard.

Following a strategy he developed in evicting Occupy Wall Street from the financial district, Bloomberg threatened that anyone marching in the parade or observing the event would be arrested by NYPD riot police.

“Those big balloons and huge floats are nothing but a threat to the physical and emotional well-being of New Yorkers,” the pint-size politician said. “A giant Underdog, a humongous Spiderman, a SpongeBob as big as a building. These are frightening to little people, and they scare the children too.”

NYPD Public Confiscation Units have already raided warehouses throughout metropolitan area, where Macy’s, the parade’s organizer, stores millions of dollars worth of parade paraphernalia. They brought it all to the Sanitation Department’s garages for “inventorying.”

A sanitation spokesman said that Macy’s could retrieve its property “on the day after Christmas, so we can be sure that no holiday celebration with these dangerous objects will be forthcoming.”

In a related incident that occurred during the raid, Max Baris, a 67-year-old retiree from Greenpoint, died in a hail of police gun fire. Baris was attempting to take a cell phone shot of a deflated Charlie Brown balloon as it was taken into custody.

“We developed a new, more effective policy toward unauthorized photography of our brave police officers in action,” Bloomberg said. “We call it: ‘If They See Something, Slay Something.‘ You’ll be seeing that slogan posted throughout the city, and you’ll heed its message if you know what’s good for you.”

As to the Thanksgiving Day Parade, Bloomberg took full responsibility for ordering an end to the 85 year holiday tradition, but he noted that the initial idea came from Wall Street. 

“The financial gurus pointed out that the parade costs the city millions and that we should be saving those dollars during these austere times,” the mayor said. “There’s going to be a little something extra in their bonus stockings this year for that gem.”

Citing similar health, financial and safety issues, Bloomberg said he is considering the termination by the city of such events as the St. Patrick’s Day parade, the Columbus Day parade, the Puerto Rican Day parade, and the Fourth of July fireworks.  “Someone could get an eye poked out by those things,” Bloomberg declared.