Bloomberg Confuses Gun Rights With Gay Rights & Blows Out Brains

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New York -  Mayor Michael Bloomberg was released from Bellevue Hospital today after being treated for what’s being called “a firearm mishap.” It appears that the mayor mistook a pistol for a penis and discharged the gun into his cranium.

Who will be running the city while the mayor recuperates? A City Hall spokesperson pointed out that his honor is already back on the job. “New Yorkers are well aware that Mayor Bloomberg never used his brains to make important decisions, so their absence  is not seen as a problem.”

The spokesman pointed to two referendums in which the citizens of New York City voted to prohibit politicians from running for a third term. Bloomberg subverted the democratic process by buying out the City Council and overturning the will of the people.  

“It’s clear to see there was no thought process involved in that situation.  Who needs ideas, or integrity, when you have billions of dollars to throw around?”

But now the diminutive politician is nearing the end of his third term and is seeking new fodder to feed his overblown ego. Being the national spokesperson for gun control seems like a step in the right direction.

However, Bloomberg’s credentials as a gun safety advocate have been tarnished by his trigger-happy police department. They’ve apparently extended their Stop & Frisk program into a Stop & Frisk & Shoot debacle.

Most recent example: a pair of NYPD “sharpshooters” wounded nine civilians in a panicked attempt to bring down a lone gunman who was standing less than 10 yards away from them. 

A later report pointing out the NYPD’s dire need for more comprehensive firearms training was dismissed by the mayor and his police commissioner, Ray “Machine Gun” Kelly. 

“Those two cops at the Empire State Building fired 18 rounds and hit nine civilians,” the spokesman said. “That’s a .500 average. Jeter should be so good.”