The Burger King enters the Republican presidential race
Miami, Florida – Overthrown last month in a corporate food fight, the Burger King has vowed to regain his kingdom — the home of the Whopper — by becoming President of the United States.
“I have been deposed by a pack of jackals and knaves,” the king said. “They have pulled my commercials. They have removed my likeness from all promotional material. They have spilled the royal sauce.
“But they will not have it their way for long. I will become the ruler America requires – fast, fresh and fatty.”
The Burger King has already officially enrolled to participate in the next Republican presidential debate, which will be held in Orlando on September 22. “The Burger King in Disney World with the Seven Dwarfs,” he said. “That’s a combination worth featuring on the menu board.”
Questioned about his qualifications for the presidency, the Burger King pointed out that he has created more jobs than Rick Perry claims to have developed in Texas. “These are not just burger flipping positions,” the monarch said. “Some involve filling the french fry machine.”
The Burger King also claimed to know more history than Michele Bachmann does: “If elected, I will regale the nation with amusing tales of the invention of the first hamburger, the evolution of the onion ring and the proper use of lettuce. Let me assure my future subjects that I am much more entertaining than that obnoxious Gordon Ramsay fellow.”
The newly announced candidate is also confident he can handle his opponents in the presidential debates, threatening to “flame broil their buns.”
“Actually, I’ll let you in on my secret strategy,” he told reporters. “When addressed with any question, comment or criticism, I intend to just smile whimsically and keep my mouth shut.
“It’s a strategy that served me well during my years as monarch,” the King continued. “And it’s a strategy that’s going to make me leader of the Free* World.”
*Free with the purchase of a Whopper Jr. or an extra large Coke. Cannot be combined with any other offer.