Cannibal Cop’s Arrest Prompts Bloomberg To Limit Flesh Portions
New York - Mayor Michael Bloomberg made the Big Apple less appetizing to the city’s cannibal community today, introducing a new Health Department regulation that limits flesh eating to “one pound per person per day.”
The restriction came on the heels of the arrest of an NYPD patrolman who was allegedly plotting to murder, stew and consume an undisclosed number of female victims.
“This is New York City, so you can eat whatever and whoever you want,” Bloomberg said in explaining the purpose of the new regulation. “But science tells us that human flesh is high in cholesterol, triglycerides and saturated fats, and therefore should not be consumed in large portions.
“The cannibal police officer who we arrested was dietarily out of control,” the mayor continued. “He had planned to consume dozens of young ladies, and wash them down with 64 ounce Big Gulps. Fortunately, we were able to thwart his plans because we had him under soda surveillance.”
The Mayor’s regulation was vehemently opposed by City Council Speaker Christine Quinn, who maintains a well-rounded figure. “First there was the soda restriction. Now here’s a limit on human flesh. What is the mayor going to take away from us next? I don’t eat human flesh, but I don’t like limits on my menu choices.”
Simon Pattour, owner and general manager of the cannibal restaurant Bite Me!, also expressed concern. “Sure we can live with the one pound per person per day limit, but who would want to? When you find something this delicious, you never want to stop.”
Pattour says he imports all of his meat from China. “You can’t go wrong serving Chinese food,” he said. “Plus you know the old expression, if you can’t beat ‘em, eat ‘em.”
Surprisingly, New York’s Cardinal Timothy Dolan came down on the side of the cannibals, concerned that the Mayor’s restriction could affect the ritual of the Mass.
“We reject any limitation on our right to consume an infinite portion of our Savior’s body and blood,” the cardinal said. “And believe me, Mayor Bloomberg, when I talk about our Savior, I’m not referring to you.”
A spokesman for a leading fast food conglomerate, who asked to remain anonymous, said his company is taking a wait-and-see attitude on the pound of flesh restriction. “We currently don’t have any human content on our menu, but our executive chefs are working on a ladyfingers dessert item.”