Chris Christie Enters the Race for Ruler of Occupied Wall Street
Trenton, New Jersey - Gov. Chris Christie, who turned down the chance to run for president of the United States earlier this week, has announced his candidacy for Ruler of Occupied Wall Street.
“Being president is not for me. You have to be certifiable to want that job,” Christie declared. “One look at the list of current candidates will confirm that.
“As to the governorship, I am thankful to get out of New Jersey, which as anyone who has HBO knows, is really run by the Mafia.” …
“Me, I’m going to rule Wall Street, where you can still enjoy a decent steak and bite into a vintage credit default swap.”
Christie thanked the protest movement, Occupy Wall Street, for seizing the financial district of New York City and declaring it an occupied nation.
“They made this all possible for me,” he said. “I have no idea what they want, but I know how to take advantage of a smooth political move when I see one.”
In the race for Ruler, Christie is expected to face off against the city’s diminutive mayor, Michael Bloomberg.
Bloomberg is under fire for ordering his police force to herd around the Wall Street occupiers like cattle, while dousing them with pepper spray. The Mayor has since directed the police to replace all of their pepper spray canisters with Silly String, and turn in their uniforms for something more stylish.
Another possible candidate for Ruler of Occupied Wall Street is Snooki, a popular reality show character.
“Snooki presents a real challenge,” Christie said. “She never says anything meaningful. She has no perceived talents or skills. And she likes nothing better than getting lost on the beach. In other words, she’s a perfect candidate.”
A spokesperson for Occupy Wall Street says the group has no plans to elect a so-called Ruler, and has had no dealings with Chris Christie. “We have no worries about him sneaking up on us,” the spokesperson said. “We hear he can be spotted a mile away.”