Coffee Chain Takes Over Spain’s Banks; Euro Out, Starbuck In
Satire — Madrid — The Starbucks Corporation has injected a shot of caffeine into the world’s financial system, taking over Spain’s devastated banking system so it can replace bank branches with Starbucks outlets.
“Banks are not cool,” said Dylan Prather, Executive Maître D’ of Corporate Mojo for Starbucks. “Coffee is cool, especially iced coffee. That’s why Starbucks is closing all of Spain’s banks today, so we can open them next week as full-service Starbucks coffeehouses.”
Prather attempted to calm the fears of those who have money in the banks, declaring that every Euro deposited would be paid off with a new cash standard — the Starbuck.
“Just like euros and dollars, the Starbuck can be used for payment of debt or in exchange for goods or services,” Prather explained. “The difference is you also can trade it for a bran muffin or a Grande café con leche, whenever you get the urge.”
An ATM will be installed in every Spanish Starbucks to handle banking transactions. It will be equipped to print currency on the spot and dispense it directly to the customer, ensuring that Spain never runs out of money.
“We’re taking quantitative easing to infinity and beyond,” Prather chuckled. “As long as we don’t run out of paper, Spain will never run out of cash. Take that, Ben Bernanke.”
The development has sent the world’s financial leaders into a collective tizzy, concerned that Starbucks’ aggressive move in Spain is just the first step in the company’s complete takeover of the financial systems of Europe, North America and Asia.
“I’ve spent my career screwing up international banking so I can get rich telling people how to fix it,” said Jamie Dimon, CEO of J.P. Morgan Chase. “I’m not going to let some two-bit barista take that away from me.”
Dimon said he is in talks with top executives of the McDonald’s Corporation to determine how that company’s worldwide chain of hamburger restaurants can be turned into banking establishments.
“We were going to partner with Burger King,” Dimon said. “But then we realized that we’ve already served up too many Whoppers to the public.”
Reporters questioned Prather about Starbucks’ ability to deal with high-level financial matters. “Whether you’re serving coffee or securing cash, you need the right bean counters on your team,” he replied. “It also helps if you have a talent for producing a lot of froth.”