Congress Puts The Internet Up For Sale
Washington DC -- Faced by increased popular pressure against its moves to control and censor the Internet, Congress has decided to sell the World Wide Web to the highest bidder.
“The Internet is very powerful in its ability to encourage people to think, interact and innovate,” Rep. Peter King (R-New York) said. “That makes it very dangerous to a government that’s not smart enough to balance its own checkbook.
“So we say the heck with it. Let’s unload the darn thing, and it can be somebody else’s problem.”
Passed by unanimous votes in both the Senate and the House, the World Wide White Wash Act stipulates that the Internet be sold to an entity outside the United States and that American citizens be banned from using it.
“We’ve already gotten bids from China, Russia and Iran,” said Sen. Patrick Leahy (D- Vermont). “These are countries with regimes that know how to keep things under control. If the money is right, I can see any one of them as the proud proprietor of the Internet.”
Significant American enterprises such as Google, Yahoo! and Facebook could conceivably be destroyed once the Internet is sold.
“I don’t pretend to understand what these companies do,” said Judiciary Chairman Lamar Smith (R-Texas). “But I know that America was a better place before they existed.”
Analysts speculated that the trillions of dollars sale of the Internet would generate could reduce the nation’s deficit. But the Congressional Budget Office pointed out that once the Senators and Representatives take their cut, there will be nothing left but “chump change.”
In signing the WWWW Act into law, President Barack Obama praised Congress for “finally getting together on something,” noting that the legislation would be the high water mark of his presidency.
“You wanted hope and change, Mr. and Mrs. American voter?” Obama said. “Well, here’s your change. I hope you like it.”