The Devil Flames the Obama/Romney Race
Washington, DC -- In an historic first, the Devil has declined to throw his support behind either candidate for US President, declaring that both contenders “are hell-bent on creating chaos without any help from me.”
“That makes it impossible to choose between the greater of two evils,” the Devil explained at a special news conference held in the Hades Heights section of the nation’s capital.
“I’m just going to sit this one out and enjoy the show, as the world slips on Greece, falls off the fiscal cliff and goes out with a bang from Iran.”
Satan, who describes himself as a “military-industrial lobbyist,” was quick to explain: “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got nothing against well-meaning mooks. They’re the knuckleheads who lay the foundation for calamity.
“But the incompetence of these clowns burns me up,” the devil added. “Imagine, trying to fix a $16 trillion chasm by tweaking taxes. They need to invest in a nice set of multiplication tables.”
Beelzebub took credit for influencing US presidential politics throughout the nation’s history. He even cited some of his more recent “accomplishments” in that area:
-- “I’m the one who introduced John Kennedy to Vietnamese food. Lyndon Johnson picked up the tab for that one.”
-- “I taught Richard Nixon the value of taping all conversations in the Oval Office. Turns out, he wasn’t much of a recording artist.”
-- “Then there was that box of cigars that I bought for Bill Clinton…”
The Devil seemed particularly pleased that no one is being held accountable for creating the problems that led to the current crisis.
“The the bankers, the speculators, the regulators -- see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. These monkeys think they got off. But they will all be seeing me for personal lessons on global warming.”