Ford Offers ‘Ejection Seating‘ to Fix Recalled Escapes
Dearborn, Michigan - It’s been a rough road for the introduction of 2013 Ford Escape. First, the newly designed SUV was recalled because its gas pedal had a tendency to get stuck in the carpeting at awkward moments. Another recall was required for fluid leaks. And finally this week, owners were advised to park their Escapes until further notice because its engine was prone to bursting into flames.
“Frankly, we don’t know what’s going to fail next on this puppy,” said an unnamed corporate spokesman. “So we’re playing it safe with a fix that will protect our customers no matter what happens. We are going to install ejection seats in every 2013 Ford Escape.”
Noting that the new feature would be added to the carmakers’ “Cover Your Assets Package” of options, the corporate representative explained that car-based ejector seats are a well proven concept.
“Where would James Bond or Austin Powers be without their ejection seats?” he said. “Now we’re going to put them behind every Escape user’s behind, so they can safely escape from their Escapes.”
Here’s how they work: a sensor in the Escape detects that a catastrophe is occuring, such as a sudden inferno. It triggers the roof of the vehicle to be jettisoned, while activating an “Eco-Booster” rocket tucked under every seat. The thrust sends the driver and all passengers into the stratosphere, providing ample time for their parachutes to deploy and allowing them to float safely back to Earth.”
“Ejection seats are the new air bags,” the spokesman said. “But instead of filling with gas, they send you up in the air.”
As does any new technology, automotive ejection seats have their critics. Janet Napolitano, Secretary of Homeland Security, has ordered that all Escape owners file flight plans with the Civil Aeronautics Bureau and check in with the Transportation Security Administration prior to starting their cars.
“Nobody flies anywhere without getting abused by a gang of our professional gropers,” she declared.
The CIA has canceled its order for 700 Escapes, noting that “unscheduled ejections could draw untoward attention to the secret operations and extramarital affairs of key agency personnel.”
NASA officials offered this complaint: “How come Ford gets to shoot people into space, and we’re not allowed? We’re going to stop sharing our Tang.”
Automotive reviewers, meanwhile, are questioning what happens when ejection seats are activated while the vehicle is driven under an overpass or through a tunnel.
“Every solution creates its own headaches,” the spokesperson said. “That’s why we’re including a set of matching crash helmets and a bottle of Tylenol with every Escape we sell.”