George Zimmerman to make millions in endorsements (satire)
Fantasyland, Florida -- Who says crime doesn’t pay? Neighborhood watch hitman George Zimmerman is lining up dozens of lucrative endorsements now that he’s a free man. Most involve products designed to make the night watch a little more comfortable and a little less scary:
Exterminator Wristwatch -- A Rolex-like model that provides neighborhood watchmen with the peak times for hunting down and shooting perps. Like Zimmerman, it runs a little slow, but looks innocent enough.
The Poser’s Police Club And Meat Tenderizer -- Maybe it’s better if untrained, unsupervised watch bullies beat their victims instead of shooting them. Give them a club for Christmas to find out. Great at barbecues too.
Vigilante Pursuit Vehicle -- To prohibit unqualified vigilantes from engaging in high speed chases, this vehicle will only go in reverse. Painted to resemble a typical patrol car, the vigilante cruiser proudly displays the motto “Powered by Prejudice.”
The Zimmerman Zapper -- In the hands of properly trained cops, stun guns save lives by immobilizing perpetrators rather than killing them. This model goes one better by zapping the person who pulls its trigger. That will put an end to any wrestling match and give our hard-working neighborhood hitmen some much-needed snooze time.
I’m Going to Disney World! -- You might’ve missed it in all the hubbub when the verdict was announced in court. But at one point Zimmerman looked into the camera and mouthed the famous words endorsing the Disney theme park. Unlike most celebrity endorsers, Zimmerman actually took advantage of the free trip. He currently resides in Fantasyland, which is the only jurisdiction in America that will have him.
In a related development, Disney security has beefed up patrols protecting the following attraction: It's a Small World.