GOP Acquires Carnival Cruise Lines for ‘Fun and Profit’
Somewhere At Sea - Looking to shake its stodgy image and sinking popularity, the Republican Party has purchased Carnival Cruise Lines.
The move is designed to rebrand and re-energize the right side of the political spectrum. “From here on out, the new name of the Republican Party is the Carnival Connection,” a spokesman said.
“Likewise, we have replaced our ‘Party of Lincoln’ slogan with a more upbeat tagline that projects our new image. It tells America to ‘Vote Carnival for fun and profit.’”
At the heart of the acquisition are literally dozens of Titanic-dwarfing cruise liners, which Carnival calls “fun ships.”
But many of the vessels have proven to be no fun at all for Carnival clients. The party boats have been breaking down, rolling over and providing a fertile environment for stomach ailments.
“No one wants to spend their vacation on a giant floating outhouse,” the spokesman said. “So we will be refitting the fleet for what we call geopolitical deployment.”
According to the plan, some of the larger vessels will be converted into aircraft carriers, giving the Carnival Connection the ability to carryout its own foreign policy worldwide.
Capt. Dick Cheney will be put in charge of the tactical navy. “This is like waterboarding on a global scale,” he said. “And there is no need for phony spy reports to start fighting. It’s just ready, aim, fire.”
Other former cruise ships will be used to transport massive quantities of senior citizens to the polls. “If you want to see another Social Security check, grandpa, you’d better get on board,” declared Sarah Palin.
Remaining vacation vessels will serve as prison ships for illegal aliens who are caught crossing the Mexican border. “We might have to dig a canal through Tijuana to make that work,” said former president George W. Bush. “I wonder where we can find the manpower to do that.”
Republican strategist Karl Rove reportedly is the architect behind the political/nautical merger. “Having a fleet of high powered ships at your command is the greatest thing since sliced voting districts,” he said.
“And guess what?” Rove continued. “The captain said if I sit quietly, I can blow the horn and ring the bell.”