Gun debate leads to a rise in suicides (satire)
Washington, DC -- As the gun control debate enters its fifth month with no end in sight, mental health authorities are blaming the drawn out policy dispute for a rise in the nation’s suicide rate.
The major television ratings bureaus report a 12.2% increase in “terminal opt outs” for the first quarter of 2013.
Interpreting the figures, a spokesman explained: “These viewers have left behind suicide notes blaming politicians and pundits for literally boring them to death.
“They couldn’t take anymore blather about assault rifles, oversized clips and registration procedures. They have tuned out forever.”
Soon-to-be released studies by the Bored with Content Board confirm that repetitive rehashes of the gun control issue have been increasingly squeezing out fresh pop-culture coverage.
“They’re cutting into my Kourtney and Kim time,” a typical suicide note read. “Chris Matthews may have a nose for news, but the Kardashians know how to sniff out the more interesting parts of a story.”
In a related action, an organization that represents the certifiably deranged is planning legal action against any lawmaker who proposes background checks as a requirement for gun ownership.
“What about my Second Amendment rights? I may be nuts, but I know how to read,” challenged Sam Maras, president of the advocacy group Psychos Without Borders. “What about Catch 22? Slaughterhouse Five? And Stalag 17? All about nuts and guns, a classic combination.““
Maras took the occasion of his group’s first press conference to wear his Elmer Fudd outfit.
“Let’s say I want to settle an old score. You expect me to strangle that tricky rabbit with my bare hands? I‘ll come off looking like Dick Cheney at Easter dinner.”
Meanwhile, proposals from membership organizations representing gun owners triggered the highest rate of suicide responses. Particularly effective was a bumper sticker jointly developed by the gun groups and the U.S. Postal Service:
“Come sleet, or snow, or heavy rains, it takes a gun to blow out your brains.”