Homeland Security Crushes July 4th Terror Plot (Parody)
New York - After years of burning through trillions of taxpayer dollars, the US Department of Homeland Security has finally scored. The agency shut down an elaborate terrorist operation that would have destroyed the heart of the city on the Fourth of July.
“The perpetrators had packed five 150-foot barges with high-powered explosives,” said Roberta Raynor, Anti-Terror Brand Director for the department. “They then anchored the vessels in the middle of the Hudson River, halfway between New York City and New Jersey.
“Our analysis suggests that the terrorists were going to ignite the explosives on the evening of July 4th,” Raynor continued. “Their apparent objective was to create a man-made tsunami that would have devastated the shorelines of Manhattan and New Jersey.”
The plot was discovered by a special Homeland Security task force which was monitoring local news media to crack down on continuing criticism of the agency.
Special Agent Dylan Tays was about to analyze a July 1st copy of The New York Post, when he realized something had been inserted into the paper. He flipped to the middle to find a 16-page terrorist plan to blow up the Hudson.
“Everything we needed to know was there, the schedule, the maps, the participants,” Tays said.
The agents immediately snapped into action, drafting a five-page “Proposal for Further Follow-Up.”
After being signed off on by several department section chiefs, the document was airmailed directly to Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano. Unfortunately, it arrived simultaneously with her dinner and was inadvertently consumed. Fortunately, a backup copy arrived the next day and was approved.
“It was all downhill from there,” Tays said. “We dispatched a half-dozen Department of Homeland Security drones, and they sent those barges to the bottom of the Hudson River, faster than you could say Stars & Stripes forever. Civilian casualties were light, but of course, who’s counting?”
Americans were shocked to learn that Katy Perry, Kenny Chesney and the great Macy’s department store chain were implicated in the terrorist plot.
“They claimed that the explosives were designed to celebrate the Fourth of July, and that they were just being patriotic,” Tays said. “We decided to let them off this time, but only after thorough strip searches. And let me tell you, that Katy Perry can be very thorough.”