John Boehner Kills ‘Share Christmas With Your Senator’ (Satire)

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Washington DC - A program that would have allowed United States Senators to join in the Christmas celebrations of their constituents has been voted down by the House of Representatives.

“We’re giving a big ‘bah humbug’ to that idea,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio).  “Sure the Senators need some place to go for Christmas dinner, but they forgot to include us Representatives. So they’ve ruined it for everyone, just like they always do.”

With Congress’ approval rating at an all-time low, Senators and House members are having a difficult time socializing with voters or even sharing a tweet with anyone.

“I can’t even get a lobbyist to take me to lunch anymore,” said Sen. Harry Reid (D-Nevada). “It’s impossible to conduct business under the table when you can’t even get into a restaurant.”

The senator’s solution was to draft a bill, The Impromptu Visitation Act, which would’ve created a highly promoted program called “Share Christmas with Your Senator.” 

“Look what Coca-Cola has done with Christmas and those damn polar bears,” Reid said. “I think I’m cuter than a polar bear, especially when I put on my Santa suit. But thanks to John Boehner, I’ll never know.”

The $1.3 billion program would’ve allowed US Senators “to barge in on any of their constituents during the holiday season, to partake in family festivities and to fully satisfy their need to be the center of attention.”

Reid described the bill as creating an “occupy Christmas movement” for the Senate. Unfortunately for him, he forgot to include the House of Representatives as part of the Christmas package.

Close to tears, Rep. Boehner admonished the Senator, noting that the measure, which had been unanimously approved by the Senate, was unanimously voted down in the House.

Now openly weeping, Boehner said between sobs: “We could have had eggnog together. There could have been presents to open. Expense vouchers to pad. Graft to grab. Do you have any idea how much cash they can stuff in a Christmas card envelope?”

Harry Reid suggested that the congressman change his name to John Bahumbug, noting “Christmas isn’t for crybabies.”