Korean tyrant buys world domination plan from US defense firm
Pyongyang, North Korea -- Spring is the season when a young man’s fancy turns toward world domination. And so it goes with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, who recently purchased a blueprint to take over the world from an unnamed US defense contractor.
Driving the plan is this year-long schedule of recommended actions by Kim Jong Un:
April - Make last payment on nuclear enrichment equipment. Thank the Germans for the technology and for throwing in the complimentary “concentration” camping gear.
May - Call 1-800 BOOM/BLOOMS. Order a Mother’s Day “Surprise Bouquet” for every Japanese MILF on your mailing list. Nuke Tokyo.
June - Find a new barber. Return the old one to Trump.
July - Call Jenny Craig to find out how she gets away with starving thousands of people over long periods of time. Nuke Los Angeles.
August - Rent the James Bond film “Goldfinger” again. Watch for pointers on how to corner the gold market. Corner the gold market.
September - Reignite the Korean War. Fund it by creating a reality television show that follows an American medical unit working on the front lines. The show ends when a clerical error by Radar O’Reilly reveals that the South Koreans don’t have health insurance.
October - Sign up the entire population of North Korea to appear in the next Weight Watchers™ commercial. Nuke McDonald’s.
November - Lighten up your image. Turn North Korea’s green tea industry into a 7-Up bottling franchise so you can walk around as the Uncola Guy.
December - Hire New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg and his police force to stop and frisk South Korea. Nuke Rosetta Stone before Bloomberg has a chance to give new meaning to the phrase "tortured Korean."
January - There can only be one Kim Jong Un. File a lawsuit against the UN for appropriating your name. Upon settlement, nuke the UN.
February - Outlaw Valentine’s Day, love, marriage and fornication. That should open more dating opportunities for you.
March - This month’s name says it all. March into South Korea and take over its factories, transportation facilities and valuable labor force. From this foothold, begin picking off additional countries until you have dominated the entire world. It’s like playing Risk™, but with less rules.
A spokesman for the US defense contractor that provided the plan denied its own existence, and offered its assurance that a former vice president of the United States is not involved.
The defense firm did however offer to support the blueprint’s recommendations with materials, weaponry and lies “for the right price.”
“Our resume reflects long and profitable operations in Vietnam, Iraq, Iran, and Afghanistan. Detecting weapons of mass destruction and hunting “accidents” are our specialties. Shipping and handling not included.”