Meet American Idol’s New Judges: The U.S. Supreme Court
Hollywood - With Steven Tyler, Jennifer Lopez and Randy Jackson dismissing themselves as American Idol judges, the show’s producers have hired the U.S. Supreme Court to takeover all talent evaluations and rulings on the program.
“Listen up, dogs,” said Chief Justice John Roberts in accepting the Court’s new duties. “Idol has it going on. Been going on for 10 years. Let the appeals courts do the messin’ with healthcare and election financing. Me and my posse are going to pick the next American Idol.”
The show’s producers pointed out that the new arrangement will expand American Idol’s evaluation panel from three judges to nine. “That will give us a chance to make our shows three times longer,” said executive producer Clinton Baines. “That’s three times the fun, and three times the advertising.”
All nine justices have enrolled in a music appreciation course at UCLA, since none of them have any musical training or abilities. “I do know how to play Heart and Soul on the piano,” noted Justice Antonin Scalia. “But I can’t tell the difference between Chuck Berry and Blueberry Hill. So I won’t be calling the pot pitchy anytime soon.”
On the positive side, it has been decided that the justices will wear their flowing Supreme Court robes while sitting on the Idol judging panel. “We like the idea of continuing the cross-dressing tradition started by Steven Tyler,” Baines explained. “We might even get wigs for them.”
The Justice’s Supreme Court credentials will come into play in other ways as well, according to Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. “They get some real sickos on that show,” she said. “I’ll be telling them: ‘you’re not going to Hollywood; you’re going to jail.’ Then, I will really throw them into prison. Even Howard Stern can’t do that.”
Ryan Seacrest will continue as host of the program. Instead of commenting on the change in judging, he raised a panicked question: “Simon Cowell isn’t on the Supreme Court, is he?”