Miracles of Pope Benedict Revealed

by mbalton | February 27, 2013 at 08:45 am

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Vatican City -- As he retires as the mystical leader of the Catholic Church, Pope Benedict is being honored for the miracles he performed while pontiff. Among the amazing feats with which he is credited are these wonders:

Converted the Pope Mobile to run on unleaded holy water.

Authored an 11th commandment for parish priests: Thou shalt not stop-and-frisk the altar boys.

Got Seth McFarlane the Academy Awards gig.

Created the Holy Sacrament of Spin Control.

Turned bread and wine into money-saving gourmet bread crumbs.

Figured out the definitive answer to the age-old question: How many pedophiles can dance on the head of a pin?

Traded the Holy Ghost for Casper the Friendly Ghost.

Instituted valet parking in St. Peter’s Square.

Invented a host with 50% fewer calories.

According to reports from Hollywood, these miracles and others are already being turned into a feature length biopic, starring Robert De Niro, called Papal Bull.

Said one Hollywood insider who is familiar with the film: “The real miracle will be if anybody will be willing to watch this crap.”