Mitt Romney launches a ‘War on Bankruptcy’
New York City - Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has declared war on what he says is the leading cause for America’s ongoing fiscal crisis — bankruptcy.
In fact, Romney revealed that his entire economic/fiscal policy is tied to the concept of a “War on Bankruptcy,” laying out his plan to reporters in yet another hastily called news conference.
“Look at the demise of any business, large or small, and you’ll see that before it failed, it went into bankruptcy,” he said. “So it stands to reason, if we eliminate bankruptcies, we will stop the decline of the American economy.”
Romney’s plan is to close down all bankruptcy courts, local, state and federal, and replace them with “enterprise encounters.”
“These would be like a spiritual focus group, where the leaders and employees of the failing company could get together and look skyward to the ultimate job creator to save their business,” the Republican candidate said. “According to my research, the Lord will provide.”
“There’s a reason that the name God is engraved on all of our currency and coins,” Romney continued. “Every penny, dollar bill and sawbuck becomes a little prayer for prosperity and an antidote to bankruptcy. My father taught me that when he was running the American Motors Corporation, before it went under.”
Romney added that his War on Bankruptcy would include several preemptive measures “to detect economic bumps in the road before they grow into unprofitable potholes.”
For instance, recession sniffing dogs would be placed on duty at every TSA outpost in all of the nation’s airports.
Similarly, all military and commercial aircraft would be fitted with deficit detectors. Romney explained that the devices would work in conjunction with each other to form “an economic map of the entire country.”
“Whenever the system spots a business that is in trouble,” Romney said, “we will helicopter in a Navy SEAL team to eliminate its competition. Folks seemed to like that strategy when Obama tried it.
“I say that last part facetiously of course, just to show you that I can be just as humorous and warm as my wife says I am,” the presidential hopeful said. “Perhaps if this War on Bankruptcy works, I can afford to hire a real warm-up comedian. But until then, I guess I’m stuck with Paul Ryan.”