Mt. Rushmore Mistaken for the Fiscal Cliff; Lincoln Loses Face
Keystone, South Dakota - The Mount Rushmore National Memorial was severely damaged last night by a missile fired by a US military drone. The attack apparently was commissioned by Congress in what is now being called “a clerical error.”
“Our bad,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio). “Congress approved legislation yesterday to take care of the fiscal cliff problem by bombing the hell out of it. The paperwork somehow got crossed up with a bill appropriating funds to clean and maintain Mount Rushmore. The next thing you know, kaboom!”
The missile blast totally obliterated the likeness of Abraham Lincoln, who was one of four presidents memorialized by the South Dakota sculpture. The remaining three -- Washington, Jefferson and Theodore Roosevelt -- suffered only minor damage.
“They should rename that missile John Wilkes Booth, Jr.” said Jeb Jakes, Head Ranger for the National Parks Service, which operates the Memorial. “Or get Lincoln out of the line of fire for a change.
“All we wanted was some cash so we could get the boulders, we call them boogers, out of the presidents’ nostrils. And we wind up losing 25% of our attraction. Just goes to show you, those congressional cuts can be devastating.”
Speaker Boehner denies the charge by some Democrats that the Lincoln sculpture was intentionally targeted by Congress.
“It’s true that a congressional delegation went to see the new Spielberg film ‘Lincoln’, just the other day,” Boehner said. “It’s also true that there was some squirming in their seats when the Lincoln character freed the slaves. But it’s preposterous to suggest that reaction to the movie had anything to do with the missile strike.”
Still, several members of the tea bagger side of the Republican Party are supporting a bill that would replace the Lincoln bust with a more contemporary likeness.
“We believe that the face of George W. Bush should be looking down on America from Mount Rushmore,” a spokesman for the group said. “Iraq, Afghanistan, hanging chads, mission accomplished. He is the president who has seen it all and has done it all. And now all he asks is that we pay for it all.”
As to the fiscal cliff, Boehner provided this analysis: “Congress is used to throwing money at a problem until it goes away. That’s why this fiscal cliff thing has got us stumped. It is some sort of alien entity because it forces us to save money instead of throwing it away.
“I can hardly wait for the next Spielberg movie to see how this turns out.”