Super Bowl Blackout Was No Accident, Pentagon Reports
New Orleans, Louisiana -- The 35-minute power failure at this year’s Super Bowl was intentionally planned, according to US military officials, who revealed today that the outage was a failed test of a new Defense Department strategy.
Called “Turn Out the Lights, The Party’s Over,” the concept calls for hiding civilian populations in the dark if America is ever invaded by foreign troops.
“Yesterday was the first test of this new tactic,” a Pentagon spokesman said. “Unfortunately, it was unsuccessful because we did not achieve a total blackout of the Superdome.”
Apparently, top executives at Louisiana Power and Light were not adequately compensated for fully pulling the plug on the Super Bowl, so only a partial blackout was staged.
The Pentagon spokesman blamed the Treasury Department for the shortfall, noting that Treasury officials have recently imposed a new “bribe ceiling” on all federal agencies.
“The days of the $600 hammer and the $5000 toilet seat are over,” the Pentagon spokesman lamented. “In fact, that’s why we devised this new blackout tactic. We no longer have the funds or the firepower to protect the population, so the next best thing is to hide them from the enemy.”
US President Barack Obama said he was kept “completely in the dark” when it came to the new policy. “But if it saves a few billion bucks, I’m all for it.”
Football fans who spent thousands of dollars for tickets to the Super Bowl were less enthusiastic about being plunged into darkness.
“I bet that Petraeus thought this one up,” one complained. “I hear he does his best work in the dark.”
“Is the half time show over yet?” questioned another.
“I’ll go along with his blackout thing, if they hand out free assault rifles to go with it,” said a third fan.
The Pentagon spokesman pointed out that the military does not have the funds to arm civilians, but is actively selling off weapons ranging from F-16s to assault rifles to the highest bidders.
“Why sit alone in the dark when you can have a Bushmaster assault rifle at your side to keep you company?”