Top 10 Signs the NYPD Is Controlled by the Mob

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The New York City Police Department has been shooting up the town, mowing down tourists, blasting unarmed motorists and popping harmless potheads on a regular basis.  

Fearing a federal investigation of his police force’s bad aim and nasty attitude, Mayor Michael Bloomberg has decided to “privatize” the NYPD. After a lengthy and thoughtful search, Bloomberg selected the Mafia as the most qualified to take over the department. Need proof? Here are the top 10 signs the NYPD is controlled by the Mob: 

1. Now offering a free slice with every misdemeanor.

2. Commissioner Kelly has changed his nickname to “Machine Gun.”

3. Opening a drug money laundromat in the basement of every precinct.

4. Arresting Wall Street bankers for muscling in on gambling scams.

5. New Prostitute Quality-Control Division.

6. “Buy a Judge Telethon” raised $23 million this year.

7. Patrolman’s pepper spray replaced with sausage, pepper and onion spray.

8. Installed blackout glass and chrome wheels on all patrol cars.

9. Now accepting PayPal for bribes.

10. Created the new command rank of “Godfather.”