US Declares a World Record Victory in Iraq
Baghdad -- The United States military today is celebrating a major win in Iraq. American troops are heading home after setting the world record for the longest and most expensive stop and frisk in the history of law enforcement.
“It seems like only yesterday that the United States pulled over Iraq on suspicion of possession of Weapons of Mass Destruction,” said President Obama. “Little did anyone realize that just 8 years and $1 trillion later we would be celebrating a world record together.”
The new record was solidified yesterday after US forces detained and searched the 32,030,823th Iraqi, and declared him clean.
US Army Major Tom Humphries marked a check on his clipboard and announced: “That’s it, everybody. We’ve patted down every last one of them. We are the stop and search champions of the world.”
Cpl. Jake Shronk of the 22nd Battalion is credited with completing the final strip search. “We did find some interesting things in his pockets,” Shronk said. “He had a nice stack of Ayatollah trading cards, an application for a New York City hack license, and a form letter from British Petroleum, offering to buy the drilling rights to his rec room.”
Humphries noted that the troops would be rewarded for their world record-setting performance with high-paying, prestigious jobs when they return to the United States.
“The experience they’ve accumulated in Iraq makes them uniquely qualified for the position of TSA Inspection Agent,” Humphries said. “The TSA will welcome the reinforcements. I hear that some of those arthritic grandmas can get pretty surly.”
Of course, the larger question remains: just where are those Weapons of Mass Distraction?
“I believe you’ll find them in missile silos sited across the USA,” Humphries said. “Safe and sound and in the capable hands of our elected officials.”