Weiner’s ‘Carlos Danger’ Ready to Rescue America
New York City -- Carlos Danger, an anti-hero created by mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner, is poised to get the nation moving again. His mission is to serve as America’s super scapegoat, accepting the blame for all that is wrong with the USA.
“One thing this country has plenty of is political gridlock,” Weiner said. “It comes from finger-pointing by both parties because no one wants to accept the blame for any given problem.
“That’s where Carlos Danger comes in. Politicians can insert his name into any debate, accusing him of creating the disaster with which they are dealing. When everyone lines up against him, they become an effective team for finding a solution.”
Where’s Carlos? Weiner explained that he is always just where you need him:
In Sports -- “Carlos Danger is the world’s biggest supplier and user of steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. He taught A-Rod, Ryan Braun and other major-league cheaters everything they know. Let’s nail him to the right-field foul pole.”
Online -- “Carlos Danger is the poet of portable porn, texting stories and posting photos that attract a loyal “following” to his erotic adventures and his sordid betrayal of his wife, who doesn’t seem to mind at all. How about putting it all in a new TV reality show? Its title: ‘Mindless Matrons of Manhattan.’ ”
On Wall Street -- “Carlos Danger is the insider’s insider. He doesn’t play the market; he squeezes the suckers who don’t understand that the fix is in. Suggested punishment: Lock him in a room for a month with Ben Bernanke to learn the nuances of easing, tapering and tampering.”
In Politics -- “Carlos Danger is taking the heat off Anthony Weiner, just by the mere mention of his name. Danger. It has a nice ring to it.”
On The Whistle -- “Carlos Danger is the world’s most effective whistleblower. He blew his whistle so loudly into Janet Napolitano’s ear, she was forced to resign as head of homeland security. On the positive side, she is losing weight since she can no longer hear the dinner bell.”
Not everyone is a Carlos Danger fan, however. Critics contend that he is a ripoff of The Most Interesting Man in the World -- a fictional spokesperson created for Dos Equis, the popular Mexican beer.
To those who would brand him an unoriginal professional drunkard, Carlos Danger replies: “Stay thirsty, my friends.”