Strange New Mammalian Species Is Discovered!

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Strange New Mammalian Species Is Discovered!

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Fargo, North Dakota (Digital Dementia News Services) - Scientists are unsure where and how this recently discovered mammalian species came from, but all agree that it is likely to be a big hit when it arrives in pet shops and petting zoos across America.

Dubbed the “penig”, the unusual animal feeds primarily on leafy vegetables and roots, but seems to also enjoy smegma when it can get it.

The penig was first reported in 1971 but, until this discovery in North Dakota, there was no corroboration and, as a result, most zoologists refused to take the sightings seriously. Additional sightings were made in 1979, 1986 and 1997 in locations as far flung as Key West, Yosemite National Park, Louisiana wetlands and Sausalito.

“This is the first time we’ve captured one and been able to bring it into the laboratory for verification, measurement and DNA testing,” says Sarah Vargas of the North Dakota Games & Wildlife Bureau. “I fell on the floor convulsed with laughter when they first brought this thing in. It’s such a weird looking sucker, but it’s also a very friendly animal. It wants constant attention and seems happiest when it is being petted. Although it looks like a boner, it actually has no bones in its body apart from those in its legs. It is not quite a foot tall. As for its length, well, it just depends on how happy it is.”

There have been reports of a larger, more aggressive mammoth penig that is said to live in Africa though details remain sketchy and many scientists express skepticism.

The penig is said to have an agreeable personality and may be kept as a pet, but its temperament is such that it will be difficult to housebreak and is probably incapable of complete domestication.

“Yeah, I suspect it will be tough to keep a healthy penig confined to your back yard. At least it doesn’t bite,” says Sarah Vargas, “but if it gets excited, it will try to ram the hell out of you.”