Chill out, Relax, and let me cook you dinner. French Style...
Ok. Everybody served? So let’s get down to business.
You know, of course, that French Gastronomy has a worldwide reputation, so I thought I’d propose a few traditional dishes that the French eat themselves, here in France, that some of you may not be familiar with. (You may be sure that many of them are eating one or another of them as you read this).
You are going to eat like Kings and Queens my friends and friendesses!
Ok, here’s the Entrée (“Starters” for the uncultured among you).
“Escargots à l’ail et Persil” (Snails with Garlic, Butter and Parsley).
I have a couple of dozen large and living snails in the kitchen. They haven’t eaten in a week. That’s because I’ve starved them (in order to purify their systems). To prepare them I’ll cover them in salt to make them foam at the mouth for ten minutes, then I’ll put them, still alive, into boiling water for a couple of minutes to cook them. (Don’t worry, they don’t scream or anything like that).
Then I’ll fry them and serve them covered in garlic and parsley.
Delicious huh? ?!!
(Oh, not really? Ok, no problem!)
Then how about;
« Cuisses de Grenouilles à la Tomate et aux Ognions » (Frogs Legs, Onions and Tomatoes)
They are already dead so there’s nothing to worry about. All I have to do is take them out of the freezer. Simple. I can fry my frogs legs in oil if you like, and serve them with onions and tomatoes and a glass of white wine. Doesn’t take long. Yum yum! Delicious huh?
(Did you say “No entrée thanks Fripouille”?)
Um, ok, so let’s go straight to the Plat de Résistance then (Main Dish to the culturally barren).
You’re going to LOVE this!
« Tête de Veau » (Calf’s Head).
Boil your calf’s head in salted water with garlic, vinegar, carrots and onions. For two hours. Smells delicious! Serve with boiled potatoes and a mustard, egg yolk and vinegar sauce.
(Ah ? You don’t like eating heads? Don’t worry, I have yet another idea).
“Gras Double” (Cow’s Stomach Lining). Lyon speciality. Easy Peasy! All I have to do is cut it into slices and fry it with salt and pepper and olive oil. Goes well with broccoli and grilled peppers.
(What did you just say? No? Hey, c’mon! If you’re not hungry, just say so!!)
Ok ok!! So ruminant innards are not your thing! I have the answer. Let’s just keep things simple. Here’s something nice and anodyne to snack on with your wine if you have a small and delicate appetite. (People can be SO fussy and SO difficult about what they eat....). This comes already prepared, in a can, so you have NO excuse for not liking it.
“Foie Gras” (Duck or Goose liver). This is of Egyptian origin, but the French like it too. You force-feed the animal with maize, using a tube that you push down it’s throat, for a year, until its liver is more than twice its normal size, then you kill it and turn its liver into a paté. Goes great with toast and a glass of Sauternes. (Many countries have banned its production and/or importation, but let’s not get semantic here. Some people are just too squeamish by half). Still not tempted???
Hey c’mon!! What more do you want? I just wanted to make an effort and teach you things and present you some delicious traditional French recipes and be cool and cook you to eat, but it seems obvious to me that eating real food isn’t your thing and you don’t appreciate good cooking and I’ve made all this effort for nothing. Great. Just great.
So, if you don’t want to eat real food, I have another, simpler, idea.....
LET’S JUST MAKE A PHONE CALL AND GET SOME PIZZAS DELIVERED AND HAVE A COUPLA DRINKS WHILE WE’RE WAITIN’, TURN UP THE VOLUME, GO FULL SCREEN, HAVE A GOOD TIME!!!