Guide to Vietnamese Weddings - Part 1

Negotiating an engagement.
First in a series of short articles documenting one foreigner's first-hand account of current and past Vietnamese Wedding practices, customs and traditions.

Vietnamese Weddings are unlike the Christian tradition. Through this series of articles from my own personal experiences, I will shed some light on some of the more mystifying aspects of a Vietnamese wedding, especially what goes on ‘behind the scenes’.

Whereas the official ceremony or service in the Christian tradition is generally open to all and the Reception is an invitation only event, the reverse is true for Vietnamese weddings. The ceremonial part of a Vietnamese wedding is strictly a family affair.

In some Vietnamese wedding traditions, there may be as many as four separate ceremonies: one for the Groom's family to officially seek permission from the Bride's family; one for the Bride's family to officially accept; one to celebrate this engagement and the impending union; and finally, the wedding ceremony itself. Unless one is a member of a Vietnamese family, foreigners will almost never be invited to these ceremonies.

The initial Engagement Ceremonies are formalities. The ceremonies themselves are the culmination of a sometimes complicated and lengthy negotiation process to organize a traditional marriage. The families will have discussed the marriage at length and made their decisions well before the ceremonies occur. Suitable dates for the different ceremonies will also have been selected. The more auspicious the dates, on the Lunar Calendar, the greater the promise for the union.

In the past, the families would discuss many matters relating to the couple. Some quite brazenly intrusive. These matters may have included the relative differences in social status (if any), where the couple would reside, the ideal number of offspring, the role the Bride would play in the Groom's family (the work she would undertake), a dowry and more. In my case, it included all those subjects except the dowry, which was never mentioned.

The prospective Bride's role in her husbands family would have been discussed at length. After the marriage, the new Bride traditionally would live within her new husband's extended family structure. Nowadays, especially in the cities, she will most likely live together with her husband, in their own house, rather than in with his parent's. However, she will still move predominantly within the sphere of influence of his family now. In the past, and in rural Vietnam today, this family shift would deprive her family of her work value and hence should be compensated by a dowry.

In my case, pre-engagement discussions included all the above matters without the traditional, formal ceremonies. With no family in Vietnam, I was forced to represent myself. Not speaking the Vietnamese language would have scuttled the discussions before they even began since none of my wife's family speaks any English.

At times it felt like a cross between a job interview and giving evidence in court. I was interrogated and cross-examined in minute detail by no less than five different relatives: her mother, grandmother, two uncles and an aunty-in-law. Different people raised different issues that covered my work and income situation, family background, attitude towards women, future aspirations, offspring gender preferences, 'whoring ability' (honestly, that is how the question was phrased - the answer was 'Nil'), domestic violence, money, citizenship, emigration, and much more.

I obviously 'passed muster', since we did get married ... but the pre-engagement discussions did last about five months!

Guide to Vietnamese Weddings - Part 2: Arriving at the reception.