‘Driving Tips’ Offered to Big Three Auto Executives

Despite two recent trips to Washington, D.C. — first by private jet, then by electric vehicle — Big Three executives seem incapable of turning around the no-longer-profitable domestic automobile industry in the face of stiff competition from foreign manufacturers.  To help them out, I translated eight winter driving tips (shown in BOLD TYPE below) into words of advice these bigwigs can use as they weather the economic storm hovering over Detroit:

• TRY TO GET AS FAR OFF THE TRAVELED ROADWAY AS YOU SAFELY CAN — You’ve already done this.  By delivering inferior products at inflated prices for so many years, you convinced many car-buying Americans that your dealerships were not worth visiting.  In other words, you gave the impression that your dealerships were too far off the beaten path to make visiting them worthwhile.  Now, it’s time to turn things around.

• TURN ON YOUR FLASHERS, AND LEAVE THEM ON. A DEAD BATTERY IS BETTER THAN CAUSING AN ACCIDENT FOR WHICH YOU COULD BE HELD RESPONSIBLE. Your flashers have been on for years.  Your battery is dead.  Now, you and the union thugs you allowed to outmaneuver you at the bargaining table share culpability.  Bankruptcy, which allows for renegotiation of contracts, is the best option for everyone involved.

• SET OUT FLARES TO WARN OTHER DRIVERS IF YOU CAN SAFELY DO SO. Empty showrooms and plummeting stock prices accomplished that already, so let’s move on.

• MAKE A REASONED JUDGMENT ABOUT WHETHER TO REMAIN WITH THE VEHICLE AND CALL FOR HELP OR TO STRIKE OUT ON YOUR OWN. You begged Congress for help (i.e., “the bailout”).  They asked you to submit turnaround plans.  You turned in plans.  Now, your future depends in large part upon decisions to be made by the likes of Rep. Barney Frank.  God help you all! But let’s move on.

• LEAVE A NOTE IN THE WINDOW WITH YOUR CONTACT INFORMATION.  THAT IMPROVES YOUR CHANCES OF HEARING FROM SOMEONE WHO HITS YOUR VEHICLE, OR FROM THE AUTHORITIES.  I suggest you leave notes in the windows of the hundreds of dealerships you must close in order to remain afloat.  If, after reorganizing, you’re able to produce quality products, car buyers will find you.

• TAKE YOUR MOST VALUABLE ITEMS WITH YOU. Those items would be information and the talented people within your ranks — Notice I didn’t say all of your people — who possess it.  Everything else should probably be recycled or, in your case, renegotiated (as in labor and supplier contracts).

• BE SURE TO REMOVE PERSONAL INFORMATION THAT COULD ALLOW A THIEF TO LOCATE YOUR HOME AND LOVED ONES, STEAL YOUR IDENTITY OR OTHERWISE DEFRAUD YOU. Better yet, name changes might be in order to offer your companies “clean breaks” from their checkered pasts.  But stay away from using planets as brand names.  Why?  Because ours is the only planet that’s been proven to support life.

• SECURE THE VEHICLE BY SETTING THE EMERGENCY BRAKE AND LOCKING THE DOORS.  PROFESSIONAL TOWING COMPANIES KNOWN HOW TO SAFELY TOW YOUR VEHICLES. As soon as you complete your bankruptcy filing, cut your losses by resigning from your executive positions — minus any “golden parachutes” — and allowing turn-around experts like Mitt Romney to come in and work their magic.

-- Bob McCarty Writes