Ten ways to improve carnival

NO POLICE

Not because they are fascist agents of oppression, maaaaan, but because they always show at least one police officer dancing on the news and it is always utterly excruciating.

PROPOSED TOURIST PENS

Tourists are so annoying as they stand around getting in your way and looking at maps and saying, "Where Ladbroke Grove pleeeese?" when they’re standing in it. I propose the sensible solution of herding them into giant pens, where they can dance and eat ethnic food to their hearts’ content.