The Chronically Horny Win Legal Battle

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Federal Judge Rules in Favor of the Chronically Horny

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Miami (Digital Dementia News Services) - A federal court in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Miami ruled today in a class action brought on behalf of sufferers of Chronic Elevated Libido Syndrome (“CELS”).  The court ruled that CELS is a legitimate, medically recognized affliction and that the defendants, the Health Insurance Association of America and National HMO Association and their members, were legally obliged to provide medical coverage to those afflicted with CELS.

“It’s been a long, hard, hot and steamy battle, but we’ve finally got our point across.” said CELS activist Anita Hardwunn.  “This is truly gratifying.  I think this is most probably the happiest I’ve ever been with my panties on.”

The HMO and insurance groups had refused to recognize the syndrome as a legitimate medical disorder, preferring to characterize those who claim to be afflicted by CELS to be “… a bunch of incorrigible, unchaste, low lifes who are desperately grasping for an excuse for their inability to keep their knickers on at parties and church socials.”

“We’ve long been stigmatized as being just a bunch of perverts; people lacking in will power; degenerates or worse.  This court ruling proves what we’ve known all along.  We’re not perverts.  We suffer from a medical condition that causes us to have an uncontrollable and insatiable interest in sex.” says Anita Hardwunn.

Not all medical experts agree with the court’s view.  Dr. Ida Humpter of the John Hopkins Medical Center told reporters that, “… this is just another case of common, if somewhat socially unacceptable, behavior being re-cast as a medical condition.  The medicalization of every social infraction is nothing more than a scheme by pharmeceutical companies to sell even more drugs to Americans than they do already.”

Pfizer and Glaxo Smith Kline both filed amici curiae briefs in the case supporting the claims of the CELS class action plaintiffs.

CELS sufferers complain that, as a result of their condition, they are chronically horny.  There seems to be no cure for the condition although sexual release does typically offer temporary relief.  Most of those afflicted, however, find that relief of their symptoms is very brief indeed with most suffering a relapse within a matter of a day or two.  In more severe cases, symptoms may reoccur within a matter of 15-20 minutes.

“My life has been a living hell.” says CELS sufferer Kenny Sniffit.  “It is a constant struggle for me to get through the day with my sanity intact.  All I can think of most of the time is sex.  Since my wife passed away two years ago I’ve been going through hand lotion and tissue like you wouldn’t believe.”

Kenny Sniffit is a prominent Fort Lauderdale gynecologist.  The affliction very obviously does not discriminate between the highly educated and those working in the food service sector.

Little is known about the disease’s etiology.  It is thought to quite wide spread among the general population.  While CELS is known to afflict both sexes, symptoms among men tend to be more severe than in  women.

Many of the afflicted prefer to suffer in silence rather than admit to being chronically horny.

For reasons that remain unclear, the disease rarely strikes children under the age of 10.  Once acquired, the syndrome can last a lifetime.  However, a significant percentage of patients over the age of 80 report some reduction in the severity of their symptoms.

Anita Hardwunn commented,  "We know there is no cure for CELS, but at least now CELS sufferers can expect to have their treatments covered by medical insurance. I for one am really looking forward to my medical treatments."

Business leaders worry that America's already sky-high medical costs will now soar to unprecedented levels.

Too many people are afraid to come out of the closet and admit that they suffer from CELS,” says Anita Hardwunn.  “That is because of America’s unhealthy, puritanical heritage in sexual matters.  People just don’t realize that sex is natural.  Sex is not dirty … OK … it is somewhat dirty when it is done well.  When it’s done really well, it can be outright filthy.  Besides, if you’re looking for perversions, I am sure that chastity is the most unnatural of all human sexual perversions.”

“Do you think the judge is naked under those robes?  I was just wondering.” mused Anita Hardwunn.