The New Pandemic Threat: Bird Diarrhea

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The New Pandemic Threat: Bird Diarrhea

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Jakarta (Digital Dementia News Services) –  Scientists, physicians and health authorities attending a conference in Jakarta heard dire predictions of a new pandemic threat poised to emerge from the poultry farms of Southeast Asia.  Unlike the much ballyhooed bird flu that has yet to mutate into a form easily transmissible from human to human, this new threat is said to already be an imminent threat to world health.  

Dubbed “bird diarrhea”, this new pox is said to be spreading like wildfire among the chicken and duck farms of Southeast Asia.  

“Bird Diarrhea has an 88% fatality rate among infected poultry and fowl,” says Dr. Michael Leibniz.  “We’ve tried everything … Kaopectate, Pepto Bismol, Imodium, but nothing seems to help these poor birds once they are infected.  Within a matter of 12-15 hours they are dead, shriveled and desiccated.”  

Health officials in Europe are advising people not to panic, but the concern is obvious.  Hundreds of emergency personnel wearing biohazard suits descended on Hyde Park in London over the weekend after an anonymous caller reported that several of the geese at Round Pond were seen having loose stool.  

“It turned out to be a false alarm,” says Kensington Police Chief Ian Marshall.  “It seems the birds in question were either nervous or they got a hold of some bad sushi.”  

Alarmingly, bird diarrhea seems to have already spread to bird populations in Australia, central Asia with a smattering of reports from as far west as the Middle East and North Africa.  

“We fear it’s just a matter of time before bird diarrhea spreads into Europe and the Americas,” says Dr. Leibniz.  “Many bird species in parts of Asia have either ceased their seasonal migrations or shifted their migratory patterns in favor of routes where there are plenty of rest stops, McDonalds or other facilities with clean rest rooms.”  

“It’s just a matter of time before bird diarrhea spreads to humans and we have a worldwide mudslide on our hands,” says Dr. Leibniz.  “I advise to stock up on toilet tissue and, if you can still find them in the stores, buy a Buttcork®”.