Tom Cruise in Trouble with Council of Thetans

(Digital Dementia News Services)  - In a rare move, officials of the Church of Scientology have stripped Tom Cruise of his “under-assistant junior Thetan trainee” status. Tom Cruise is said to have irked Scientology church officials for not selling his quota of Scientology brand Thetan Chewable Vitamins®.

“It’s just not fair,” complained a highly enturbulated Tom Cruise. “I’ve gone on Oprah and the Tonight Show with Jay Leno and have been talking to everyone I can about the wonders these vitamins can produce if you take them regularly. I have probably done more to promote the sales of Thetan Chewable Vitamins than the rest of the Hollywood Scientology congregation combined. Besides, I’m Tom Cruise goddammit!”

Scientology church leaders are said to be considering the ultimate punishment for the actor. Although rarely taken, Scientology rules allow the Council of Thetans (senior Scientology Church officials) to permanently cut off Mr. Cruise’s supply of Thetan Chewables, cancel his “clear status”, revoke his Scientology Engram Bank credit cards and repossess his E-Meter. The practice is more or less equivalent to the Amish practice of shunning or the Mormon and Catholic practices of excommunication.

A Scientology expert noted however that “… unlike the Mormon and Catholic excommunications or the Amish shunning, you don’t get your money back when the Church of Scientology kicks your ass out of their organization. And let me tell you, the highly gullible Mr. Cruise has invested a ton of money in his pursuit of Pure Thetanicity.”

Scientology church officials refused to discuss the matter with reporters but did issue a terse press release regarding Tom Cruise’s current status.

“Having taken due account of the DMSMH guidelines and Mr. Cruise’s repeated violations of the KRC Triangle, the Council of Operating Thetans concluded that there was no alternative other than to bust his celebrity ass unless he starts selling more vitamins. Who does he think he is, the Son of Hubbard or maybe LRH himself?”

Clearly enturbulated by the ruling of the Council of Thetans, former Thetan Trainee Tom Cruise was thrown into a full blown grief charge and fled the room after making some excuse about how he had “forgotten to take his vitamins this morning” and wanted to go back to his hotel room to take a fistful.