Tonight's TV Line-up

Photos

Tonight's TV Line-up

see larger image

uploaded by Lcantu

Everybody Loves Raymond:  The Romano family learns that not everybody loves Raymond after all when a gang of skinheads kick the living crap out of him for the second time in as many days. 

Sex in the City (mature themes parental discretion advised):  Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda liven up and otherwise dull Saturday afternoon by visiting Rikers Island and doing “volunteer work” for the inmates. 

Two and a Half Men:  Charlie and Alan are arrested and held on suspicion of murder after the missing half of the third man is found in the trunk of their abandoned Ford on the outskirts of town. 

Survivor:  Three of the remaining survivors discuss whether it would be prudent to kill and eat the guy with asthma since “he doesn’t look like he’s gonna make it anyway.” 

Desperate Housewives:  Lynette and Susan come home with a Rabbit® but are disappointed to learn that “batteries are not included” and have to pop back out to the local Circle K.

American Idol:  Randy and Paula look on in horror as Simon reveals the true depth of  his disdain by pistol-whipping a tone-deaf contestant and then urinating on her battered, unconscious body before storming off to sulk in local stripper club. 

Reality TV: Tune in for a one-hour, fun-filled special edition featuring America's most hilarious fatal car crash videos! 

Sixty Minutes:  Andy Rooney single-handedly holds down the fort with a 60-minute long, hard-hitting exposé about those little balls of cotton that they stuff into the tops of aspirin bottles.  

Dallas (re-run):  The episode you've been waiting for when a migrant farm worker shows Miss Ellie the business end of a tire tool.  When Oral Roberts flies down from Tulsa and threatens to bring Miss Ellie back from the dead, a quick-thinking Jock Ewing draws his pistol and provides the Oklahoma wacko with a one-way ticket to the resurrection.   Bobbie and J.R. have a heart-to-heart conversation with "Digger" and persuade him to see his proctologist and have his gruesomely embarrassing problem taken care of once and for all. 

Walton’s Mountain (re-run):  Shame and humiliation visit Walton’s Mountain when Grandpa is found in a compromising position with a neighbor’s farm animal.  Overcome with a numbing sense of betrayal, John Boy mutters bitterly through his tears that he “will never be able to trust that fucking heifer-slut again.”  

Roseanne (re-run):  Our beefy heroine is prosecuted by the E.P.A. on charges of pernicious flatulence and sentenced to 7 years in a federal penitentiary.  Dan achieves spectacular results when he seeks to forget his sorrow and loneliness by moving in with an incredibly limber and healthy looking, 21-year old, green-eyed octoroon who works as a cheerleader for the local pro-basketball club.  

Gilligan's Island (re-run):  Gilligan and his island buddies become very concerned about the Skipper's mental state after he hollows out a mango to whom he affectionately refers as Bernice and declares that he has fallen in love.