How to speed your way through the checkpoint: Insights from an airport screener

Holidays are here as well as the busiest time of the year for airport security. As an airport security screener, I would love to have a quiet Christmas, so I decided to compile some suggestions to speed your way through the security checkpoints.

* DON'T tell a screener that you are about to miss your flight (it won't win you any sympathy and could even arouse suspicion). As I said your lack of planning will not cause an emergency on my behalf.

*DON'T wear clothing with metallic objects such as moon size buckles. Remember you have to pass through a metal detector.

*Dont go to your wardrobe and wear a mine of jewerly and then complain. Please dont tell me,"I never set off the alarm". IT IS YOU, Believe me!

*DON'T wear lots of jewelry or hairpins that can't be easily removed. If you have bangles, they got there and they can come off. So, don't tell me, they are stuck. That means, that I have to wand you and as you imagine I don't like to touch strangers. You contribute to my salary, but you are a stranger.

*DON'T say you "forgot" you have liquids in your bag. Thats yesterday news. It has been a year and still, you see gallons of orange juice, shampoos, oils, etc, all over the checkpoint. Even if you travel once in your lifetime, somebody in your family watches the news or travels and always comments about the airport security.

*DON'T try to jam everything into one bin in a misguided effort to be helpful, it's much harder to screen. If you push all your stuff in a bin, I wont see anything, I will have to re-run it and you will get upset. Use common sense, stack everything comfortably and you will be happy and I will be delighted.

*DON'T accuse screeners of theft: Once you're certain an item is missing, speak to a supervisor. If you accuse me of stealing your eyeglasses, which by the way, are on your face, I will be pissed. There are cameras EVERYWHERE, I dont need your property. I wont lose my job because of your eyeglasses or your quarters. Double check with your significant others, in most cases they have your belongings and they just want to accuse you in front of everybody that you forget everything.

*DON'T tell screeners "it only comes in this size or it's almost empty; when asked to surrender containers of liquid larger than three ounces. It is not about how much you have it is about the capacity of the container. The rule is the rule, just follow the rule and dont complain.

*Don't tell me how much you spent on the toiletries, it won't make any difference if they're the wrong size. I really dont care how much you paid. You could have check it, you can still check it, mail it or give to somebody. If those options are not suitable for you, don't blame me, it was your mistake.

*DON'T block traffic by repacking your belongings on the conveyor belt. Please move to the end of the belt. Outside we have millions of passengers like you, complaining about the waiting time. Dont do to others what you dont like.

*DO wear easily removable shoes. Please leave your strappy sandals, boots, or anything like that at home. Flip Flops or tennis shoe are great. If you wear boots and a mini skirt, make sure you have panties, I am really tired of seeing your internal organs.

*DO take the plastic bag holding liquids out of your carry-on before putting it through the X-ray machine. If you dont want me to check your bag, it will be a great idea.

*DO lay your bag on it's side. The upright position is much harder to see and may trigger a re-run. If your bag is full of crap, please lay it flat on the belt. If it's closed, dont use a bin and remember all electronics have to come out. You dont want to wait , and we dont want to hear your screams.

*DO put items through the X-ray machine only when you are ready to walk through the metal detector. This minimizes the time you're separated from your belongings. I'm tired of MY BAG!, MY BAG!. Also make sure you send all your belongings, XRays dont eat your stuff, if you leave them upfront, they wont walk, you have to send them.

*DONT travel naked. If you see how many skin diseases walk through the checkpoint everyday, you will never wear your "Daisy Dukes".

* DO make sure that you have all items before you leave the checkpoint. Please, we dont need one shoe, dirty sweaters, car keys, letters from your gay lover, KY Jelly, your underwear, or your own kids. Please make sure you pick up everything.

DO USE YOUR COMMON SENSE. DONT LEAVE YOUR BRAIN AT HOME.

FOR MORE INFO

WWW.SCREENERSCONFESSIONS.COM