Travel Tips & Reviews: Club Monk

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Travel Tips & Reviews: Club Monk

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We’re in the peak of vacation season now.

So where are you going to take your family this year?

Paris?

Cape Town?

Bali?

Nah! Why bother?

Anywhere you go you’re going to find the same high-priced hotels, tacky shopping malls, a lot of glass, chrome, rich food and Muzak.

Why not spend your vacation this year getting back in touch with yourself?

This year, treat your family and yourself to a stay at Club Monk.

Club Monk is the new retreat catering to the sophisticated, sensitive urban malcontent. If that’s you and if you have an ear for abstract music, a loathing for the vapid, food-oriented American culture and an all-pervading disgust for the empty clatter of the 21st century, then Club Monk is for you.

Club Monk provides a refuge from traffic, television, cell phones, your Blackberry, vending machines, the incessant temptation for sexual misadventures, your job and, in short, all of insidious, soul-killing crap that clutters your life.

You will be pleasantly surprised to learn that Club Monk has opened numerous facilities at discreet, unassuming locations around the globe. These include resorts near Lubbock, Texas, in Guyana at the site that previously served as a Jim Jones religious facility, Yellowknife in the Canadian Northwest Territories, just outside Lobito in Angola and Baghdad, Iraq.

All of Club Monk’s facilities feature the same innovative cuisine specializing in unleavened bread and water. (But be sure and save room for their Sunday night weekly special treat of beef jerky au jus!)

Club Monk's recreational facilities and activities include chapels, broom and basket making classes, monotonous chanting, vegetable farm classes, meditation and highly competitive scratching competitions (the compulsory attire at all Club Monk resorts consists of heavy, brown, hooded sack cloth gowns, and we're here to tell you: Them gowns is awful itchy).

For a nominal extra fee, why not treat yourself or members of your family to some good, old-fashioned caning or engage in evening of supervised self-flagellation?

We chose Club Monk, Lubbock for our test visit and review. We found the facilities at Club Monk Lubbock to be sublimely austere and the activities to be mind numbingly serene.

We recommend that you make your reservations in advance and plan on spending at least a week, if not a month or a lifetime at one of Club Monk’s unique underground retreats.

Club Monk: It’s the retreat for the rest of your life.

We give it four and a half stars.