Walter Cronkite, Where Are You?

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Walter Cronkite, Where Are You?

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In the last couple of days when I tuned in to CNN looking for reports from around the world of significant events that might have a bearing on my life, I instead found continuous drivel about 1) the recent funeral of the late, inflatable/deflatable Anna Nicole Smith, 2) a tactless remark about a U.S presidential candidate made by a woman who was already well-known for her rudeness, and 3) the arrest of a man for killing and dismembering his wife in Michigan. 

All of this left me wondering, “What effect might any of these events have on my life?  What other world-shaping developments might these intensively reported events trigger?” 

As riveting as they were, the interviews with former hairdresser and other sycophantic followers of the late millionaire, former-stripper bimbo left me wondering what special significance this funeral and burial held for future world history.  I guess I’ll have to wait for the two hour special with Christiane Amanpour to inform us what a world without Anna Nicole Smith will be like and how her departure will impact the economy or the melting polar ice caps. 

The rags to riches, topless club bimbo to international jetsetter, <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Texas redneck party girl to Guess Jeans model story undoubtedly provides good grist for an HBO original movie that you might watch if you were really hard pressed for anything better to do, but it didn’t strike me as particularly newsworthy. 

Just as lacking in newsworthiness and even less interesting than the Anna Nicole Smith story (owing to its much lower T&A factor) was the report that Ann Coulter had referred to presidential hopeful John Edwards as a faggot.  Until and unless tens of thousands of malnourished California vegetarians of indeterminate gender whose main goal in life is to be offended by others block Los Angeles freeways during rush hour demanding that Ann Coulter be spayed, the only sane reaction to this story is “BFD!” 

The former “news” network then went on to tell me in grisly detail about an otherwise forgettable man who killed and dismembered his wife in Michigan.  At first I thought this might surely be a hard-hitting exposé on local sensationalist tabloid journalism run amok.  But as the interviews wore on with defense attorneys and prosecutors speculating on the trial of a man who had yet to be arraigned and with a psychiatrist who, despite having never met or interviewed the accused, diagnosed him as probably psychotic because he has “bulging eyes” I came to realize that the “C” in “CNN” evidently stands for “cartoon.”

Perhaps it was just a very slow news day.

Walter Cronkite, where are you?