Hey it's Sunday, Let's go Kill a Scotsman! : Archaic British Laws

by Barry Artiste | November 2, 2008 at 04:51 am

1706 views | 31 Recommendations | 10 comments

Barry Artiste Op/Ed

As I previously reported about Britain introducing Sharia Law on the books, it brought to mind some Archaic British Laws on the books, some even on the books today, though never used anymore as most people read them and laugh at what was touted as a Progressive society a few hundred years ago and up to the 19 century.

I hope some will enjoy reading these Laws of Insanity.

Certainly shows how far we have progressed into a modern society, versus some who still cling to brutal old ways a millennium ago.

Certainly one can see why Monty Python was invented!

The Big Book of British Laws

Under the reign of Elizabeth I, any person found guilty of "harboring a Catholic priest" would be tortured or even hanged. Any priest of the Catholic faith that was caught would be hanged, drawn, and quartered.

With the exception of carrots, most goods may not be sold on Sunday.

All English males over the age 14 are to carry out 2 or so hours of longbow practice a week supervised by the local clergy. Explanation: This law dates from the middle ages when there was no standing army, so in times of war each gentry was required to produce a quota (depending on its size) of knights, archers, infantry, etc. As the church was the only centralized instrument of bureauacracy (the lords were independent for the most part), they were used for such tasks.

London Hackney Carriages (taxis/cabs) must carry a bale of hay and a sack of oats. Explanation: The London Hackney Carriage Laws covers hackneys in other towns too and have remained unaltered for over 100 years. Firms have been known to manufacture very small bales of hay to carry in a taxi during disputes during local councils (who license the hackneys everywhere except London). Also the vehicle has to be tethered at a taxi rank, and the council have to supply a water trough at said ranks (that could be fun on a Saturday night!). The one about urinating against the back wheel is a Hackney Carriage Law too, and has also been done, on mass, during taxi/council disputes (allegedly).

The severest Penaltys will be suffered by any commoner who doth permit his animal to have carnal knowledge of a pet of the Royal House (enacted by George I).

It is illegal to be drunk on Licensed Premises (in a pub or bar).

It is illegal for two adult men to have sex in the same house as a third person. Explanation: Introduced to outlaw "molly houses" which began to appear in the big cities of England in the late 16th Century. In these bordellos, homosexuals engaged in sex, sado -masochism, transvestitism etc., and they were perceived as a threat to public morality, and so outlawed.

Any person found breaking a boiled egg at the sharp end will be sentenced to 24 hours in the village stocks (enacted by Edward VI).

It is illegal to stand within one hundred yards of the reigning monarch when not wearing socks (enacted by Edward VI).

Chelsea Pensioners may not be impersonated. Explanation: Chelsea Pensioners are entitled to enhanced state benefits and subsidized accommodation, so pretending to be one is simply fraud!

A bed may not be hung out of a window.

It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public conveyance.

Mince pies can not be eaten on Christmas day. Explanation: Ingredients of mince pies and plum puddings were pagan in origin, and their consumption part of ancient fertility rituals. The law dates from the Puritan era, the same time that dancing in church, maypoles, and holly and ivy decorations were outlawed. The laws were never officially repealed because upon the restoration of the monarchy, (in the form of Charles II) all laws formed under the protectorate were ignored as invalid.

Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked mannequin.

It is illegal to leave baggage unattended. Explanation: Many terrorists in the UK favor the practice of placing a bomb in a bag, then leaving the bag to explode later. Since this became a real threat, this law was passed to deter the crime and prosecute those who commit it.

Picking up abandoned baggage is an act of terrorism. See above.

It is illegal for a Member of Parliament to enter the House of Commons wearing a full suit of armour. Explanation: The law dates from the renegotiation of royal/political power on the accession of Charles II, designed to stop the MPs storming the house if it makes a decision they disapprove of. The Monarch is not allowed to enter the House of Commons (the legislative house) for similar reasons

Destroying or defacing money is illegal.

If a steam locomotive is driven on roads, a man must walk in front of the vehicle with a red flag during the day and a red lantern at night to warn passersby.

All steam locomotives are limited to 4mph on roads.

Anal sex is prohibited.

You may not make out in public.

It is legal for a male to urinate in public, as long it is on the rear wheel of his motor vehicle and his right hand is on the vehicle. Explanation: One of many Hackney Carriage Laws that have been unaltered for over 100 years, and it has alledgedly been done on mass during taxi/council disputes.

Committing suicide is classified as a capital crime.

Interfering with the mail or sleeping with the consort of the Queen is classed as treason, and as such, carries a maximum penalty of death.

Placing a postage stamp that bears the Queen (or King) upside down is considered treason.

One may not "blemish the peace".

A license is required to keep a lunatic.

Damaging the grass is illegal.

In Chester, you can only shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow inside the city walls and after midnight.

You may not shoot a Welsh person on Sunday with a longbow in the Cathedral Close in Hereford.

In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless in public except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.

In London, companies may vote in local elections.

In York, excluding Sundays, it is perfectly legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow.

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Barry Artiste

at 08:22 on November 2nd, 2008

You're welcome, quite hilarious I think! What is surprising many of these laws are still on the Books in Britain and including Canada, Believe it or not! Can you guess which ones? The ones that are still on the books from this story and there are many of them still a valid Law, will Gobsmack you as it is assumed everyone in Britain, should know what is ludicrous and what is not!

Give you a hint for one law still in effect here in Canada and Britain, The wearing a suit of armour in Parliament.

Barry Artiste

at 08:38 on November 2nd, 2008

C'mon Skeeter, you can do better than that, Guess which Whacko laws are still on the books here in Canada and Britain.

Hey thanks for the comments and flag too.

Barbara McPherson

flagged this story as Good Stuff

at 10:05 on November 2nd, 2008

Barry Artiste, I like this story. It's good stuff. This qualifies for the laugh of the day for me. I especially liked the one about needing a license to keep a lunatic. How many wives are in violation of that one!

Rhonda J Mangus

flagged this story as Good Stuff

at 10:39 on November 2nd, 2008

Barry Artiste, I like this story. It's good stuff:)!

Amy Judd

flagged this story as Good Stuff

at 12:04 on November 2nd, 2008

Barry Artiste, hahahaha! I liked this one:

Chelsea Pensioners may not be impersonated.

??? So odd!

Barry Artiste

at 12:13 on November 2nd, 2008

Thanks everyone, certainly you wonder what some were smoking when they made these laws!

Mike Wood

flagged this story as Good Stuff

at 20:38 on November 2nd, 2008

Barry Artiste, I like this story. It's good stuff.

Here's some Canadian ones for ya':

30% of a radio stations content must be "Canadian Content"

· You may not pay for a fifty-cent item with only pennies.

· Citizens may not publicly remove bandages.

· It is illegal for clear or non-dark sodas to contain caffeine.

Alberta Provincial Laws

· Businesses must provide rails for tying up horses.

· Wooden logs may not be painted.

· It is illegal to set fire to the wooden leg of a wooden legged man

· You may never use dice to play craps.

City Laws

· If you are released from prison, it is required that you are given a handgun with bullets and a horse, so you can ride out of town.

British Columbia Provincial Laws

· It is illegal to kill a sasquatch.

New Brunswick Provincial Laws

· Driving on the roads is not allowed.

Nova Scotia Provincial Laws

· When raining, a person may not water his/her lawn.

Ontario Provincial Laws

· The speed limit is 80 kph for cars, but bicyclists have the right of way.

City Laws

Etobicoke

· Bylaw states that no more than 3.5 inches of water is allowed in a bathtub.

Cobourg

· If you have a water trough in your front yard it must be filled by 5:00 a.m.

Gananoque

· Homeowners are responsible for clearing snow off of municipal sidewalks.

Guelph

· The city is classified as a no-pee zone.

Kanata

· The colour of house and garage doors is regulated by city bylaws (a purple door get you a fine). It is also illegal to have a clothes line in your backyard.

· You can't work on your car in the street.

Oshawa

· It's illegal to climb trees.

· Homeowners are responsible for clearing snow off of municipal sidewalks. If sidewalks is not cleaned within 24 hours after a snowfall, city workers will clean it and the cost will be placed on the homeowners tax bill.

Ottawa

· It is illegal to eat ice-cream on Bank Street on a Sunday.

Toronto

· You can't drag a dead horse down Yonge St. on a Sunday.

Uxbridge

· Residents are not allowed to have an Internet connection faster than 56k.

Wawa

· You may not paint a ladder as it will be slippery when wet.

· It is illegal to show public affection on Sunday.

Quebec Provincial Laws

· It is illegal to turn right on a red light at any time.

· All business signs in the province of Quebec must be in French. If the business operator wishes to have English on the sign, the French must be at least twice as large as the English is. There are no laws governing the usage of other languages on signs. -Bill 101 (Passed 1976)

· No language other than French is permitted to be shown out doors.

City Laws

Beaconsfield

· It is considered an offence to have more than two colours of paint on your house.

· You may not own a log cabin.

Montréal

· The Queen Elizabeth Hotel must feed your horse freely when you rent a room.

· You may not wash your car in the street.

· You may not park a car in such a way that it is blocking your own driveway.

· "For Sale" signs are not permitted in the windows of moving vehicles.

· Cars parked in public places must be locked, and their windows must be down to less than the width of a hand.

· One's rear license plate may not be protected by glass or plastic.

· You may not swear in French.

· Citizens may not relieve themselves or spit on the street. Punishable by a fine of over 100 Canadian dollars.

Outremont

· Not only do all exterior painting jobs require a permit (for colour) but, for instance, the City went to Appeals Court over the exact type of division inside a window frame.

Barry Artiste

at 04:59 on November 3rd, 2008

Thanks Mike for the comments and list, that in itself is a Good Stuff in my Books, Ottawa's Chateau Laurier as well must provide a rail, food and water for horses that show up as well. HAHA,