Hillary, please don't quit! An open letter to Hillary Clinton (Opinion)

Hillary, please don’t quit.

The thought of you and co-president Bill running the country again still sends as much fear through me as it did on Super Tuesday, when I voted for Barack. Only, then I wanted you to lose as soon as possible, so I’d be sure the nomination was in capable hands. Now…with pundits saying if you don’t win big in Texas and Ohio you‘ll be out of the race by Wednesday…I’m starting to panic. What if Barack wins all four states, like you challenged him to? What if you win one or two by small margins and decide the experts were right and yours is still a lost cause?

Don’t listen to them, Hillary. You can still win the nomination by throwing out the Texas caucuses, reinstating the Florida and Michigan votes and brow beating a couple hundred super delegates. At least you can convince yourself it'll work. Read The Secret. Believe, Hillary. You don’t even have to know how you’ll turn it around. You just have to know you will. (It’s all in the book.)

‘Cause…what will I do without you?

Seriously. It’s been a month since Britney was hauled off to the UCLA Medical Center in an ambulance, and Paris Hilton’s little brother’s DUI is such a letdown compared to big sis’s jail time that brought a major US city to a standstill. TMZ is in a lull. Importing British train wrecks like Amy Winehouse isn’t cutting it. A train wreck who might actually run the country--but in the end doesn’t--a “candidatard,” in TMZ lingo--that brings everybody together, the TMZers, Drudge readers, I bet even American Idol voters. Staying in might get you on Dancing with the Stars. I truly believe that.

You know what my favorite thing you do is? Complain about how hard it is on you to save the country. Not as hard as what other people go through. You’ll be OK. But still, it takes a lot out of you, or you wouldn’t have gone all glassy-eyed a couple of the times you said it. I also like when you talk about your military experience. It almost makes me think, wow, Barack doesn’t have that much experience commanding an army, what if the red phone rings at three in the morning and Hillary isn’t there to answer it?

The thing that used to gall me the most about you…and I don’t feel bad saying this, now that I’m on your side (at least through Pennsylvania)…was how you, and other feminists who weren’t even married to Bill, saved him from charges of sexual harassment and sexual assault. Till then, feminists believed every single woman who claimed a man had harassed her. After that, they only believed women who weren’t attacked by Bill Clinton. Now I don’t even know why it bothered me so much that you, of all people, were the first serious pro-woman candidate since Victoria Woodhull ran on the Equal Rights Party ticket in 1872. She lost, too.

So be a sport, Hill. No matter what happens Tuesday, promise you’ll stay in the race at least through April 22nd. Of course, changing the rules during the convention would be wonderfully entertaining, too. Unless Lindsay Lohan runs down a few more people. In that case, backers of your candidacy like me will be glued to TMZ again and it’ll be fine with us if Barack wins the nomination without any more drama.